dhabuh
06-09-2006, 03:50 PM
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Today an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. He was apprehended by the secret service. The Secret Service says this is the fourth time the man jumped over the White House fence. We want to build along the entire Mexico border...we can't keep people out of the White House!" --Jay Leno
"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno
"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS. In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." --David Letterman
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey
"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler
"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien
"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno
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Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
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More New Commonplace Words
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Etch-A-Sketch FAQ
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
"Today an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. He was apprehended by the secret service. The Secret Service says this is the fourth time the man jumped over the White House fence. We want to build along the entire Mexico border...we can't keep people out of the White House!" --Jay Leno
"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman
"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno
"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS. In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." --David Letterman
"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher
"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey
"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler
"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien
"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Revenge of A Woman's Random Thoughts
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
More New Commonplace Words
Lactomangulation (n.) Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Peppier (n.) The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Phonesia (n.) The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Pupkus (n.) The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Telecrastination (n.) The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Etch-A-Sketch FAQ
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.