deviant
08-15-2007, 03:28 PM
http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c196/shi04/Love_Dating_Sex_033_Main.jpg
He moves to caress her breasts. She remains still. He kisses her but she keeps her mouth closed till he parts her lips with his tongue; she doesn’t want him to think she’s cheap, or worse, forward. He places a gentle hand lower, stroking the skin of her belly, her thighs, yet her legs remain tightly, stiffly closed. When he finally makes love to her, she rides along with him with the enthusiasm of a limp ragdoll, keeping silent, her hands at her sides. Is this the way you are?
I shouldn’t be surprised. The average Filipina is taught to make herself pleasing to the eye, to speak only when spoken to. In school, the nuns frowned upon makeup and any artificial adornments. A proper young lady was always forbidden by her mother to respond to letters or phone calls from young men. In public, she mustn’t make eye contact with any member of the opposite sex.
A young man must make a formal suit for her hand. He must perform the courtship rituals, visit the young lady in question, and make his always honorable intentions unmistakably clear to her family. Once this young man is duly approved by her parents, he is free to propose and she is free to accept him. They are now engaged to be married. Only then can she permit him to hold her hand, perhaps even buss her on the cheek at the end of the evening. She has obediently followed the instructions of those wiser than herself. And it is not surprising that she has been taught precious little about the act of sex. The elders nod their heads: this she will learn on her own.
On her wedding night, she has a vague idea of what to expect; in fact, she knows nothing. Which is why she does exactly that: nothing. The experience of love proves unfulfilling to both the groom and his sweet, virginal bride.
An exaggeration? Maybe. But the point is more than clear. Why should we be surprised when men complain about women who are clueless about expressing themselves sexually, that they prefer a little more action from their partners? Why should we be puzzled that most women simply choose to be passive in bed? After all, the Pinay is a passive creature in most aspects of her life. Is it any wonder that she is passive in the bedroom?
The Passive Pinay
It shouldn’t be such a mystery. We live in a society that is, for the most part, run by men. From industry to politics, from courtship to marriage, men play the major active roles.
It only makes sense to expect that Filipina woman—the same creatures who are more than accustomed and even come to expect that the man make the first move—are similarly inhibited when the lights go out in the bedroom.
Many women confess to feeling, among other things, shy in bed, self-conscious. “I just feel funny about it. Parang if I do something like make the first move or make noise—it’s somehow false. It’s not me,” admits a recently-married young wife who prefers not to be named. “I know my husband would like me to participate more, but I can’t seem to.”
Claire, 29, a single, sexually active woman, said she used to just lie there. “When you’re young and virginal, keeping still is an easy fallback. But as you mature and acquire more experience, you learn. You learn what feels good. And pretty soon taking an active role in lovemaking becomes automatic. You do it because it feels good.”
Love is a Contact Sport
Women should start to see sex as distinct from love. It’s a difficult concept, particularly for generally conservative Pinays. But stay with me for a moment. One can be completely in love with one’s husband or boyfriend, but the sex can be, well, not too hot. The difficult involved is that when one sees “love” and “sex” as one and the same thing, the expectation is that the “sex” will ride along on the waves of true romantic, authentic love. Not always the case.
Why else do we hear the proverbial male philanderer saying he loves his wife, and the affairs he has on the side are just for sex? Or consider the wife who says she loves her husband but their lovemaking “just doesn’t do anything for her.”
Once we accept the idea that we need to work at both love and sex in our respective relationships, we should also accept the fact that, in a manner of speaking, love is a contact sport. What’s more, it’s a sport that involves two players; in this case, two players who take an active role. In short, sex means that both players have a role to play.
What Men Really Want
Susan Crain Bakos, author of What Men Really Want: Straight Talk From Men About Sex, stresses the importance of enjoying more honest and more mutually fulfilling sexual relationships. Part of this means acknowledging a man’s need for more active participation. In her book, she interviews hundreds of men and comes to some very definite conclusions about what they want in bed. “Men say that most women consider foreplay that which is done to and for them. The truth is, most men want their sexual partners to do things to them and for them too.”
Asking a few Filipino guys what they really want, I hear strains of the same tune. Says Rich, a thirty-something entrepreneur, “I just wish more women were comfortable about taking the initiative in sex. I had a girlfriend who took playing hard-to-get too seriously. I always wanted to make love. I always made the first move. When she finally initiated sex, I would caress her, try to arouse her, but she wouldn’t do a thing. Then I would enter her, but in my mind, wala na akong gana kasi siya rin, parang wala. It was a total turn-off.” Mike, a lawyer, confesses he has to cajole his wife into sex. “My greatest fantasy is for her to throw herself on me. Even just having her say she wants me is enough to arouse me. Of course, it has never happened. We’ve been talking about it, and she’s starting to come around. But yon, why are women so afraid to do what makes them feel good?
“The best is when a girl really touches me all over; I hate it when I’m doing all the touching and caressing. Maybe girls think that they’re cheap when they do that—but it’s the way you carry it naman eh,” says Nicky, a bank manager. “A girl can be sexually expressive…even aggressive, and not a slut. It’s sexy; not slutty.”
Acknowledge Your Desires
Let’s put that aside for a while and get to what might be an even more important reason to take “action” in the bedroom—your own sexual needs. The likelihood of sexual pleasure is solidified when you are acting. A passive recipient of sex may enjoy herself, but it’s clear that when you let yourself go, you forget your inhibitions, concentrate on what feels good…and do it. Claudia, 28, admits that she too felt self-conscious and shy about doing things. “After a while, I noticed that when I did do things, afterwards my boyfriend would say I was great. Once, I reached down to touch myself while he was penetrating me from behind, then I decided to pull his hand there and let him touch me too. The whole thing was very satisfying for both of us.” Claudia is quite sure that her sex life would not have improved the way it has—“by leaps and bounds”—if it hadn’t been for the fact that now, she is doing more.
It may come with more experience, certainly. But it will also require getting to know your own body, what you want, and throwing in the information of what your partner wants too. As Bakos says, “Sex and the desire to touch is a human need—both female and male. If women only realize this, we would have more sexual confidence in ourselves.” While Pinays are making great strides in their public lives by being more confident and assertive, they should also realize how much they have to gain by taking these same steps in their own bedrooms as well.
He moves to caress her breasts. She remains still. He kisses her but she keeps her mouth closed till he parts her lips with his tongue; she doesn’t want him to think she’s cheap, or worse, forward. He places a gentle hand lower, stroking the skin of her belly, her thighs, yet her legs remain tightly, stiffly closed. When he finally makes love to her, she rides along with him with the enthusiasm of a limp ragdoll, keeping silent, her hands at her sides. Is this the way you are?
I shouldn’t be surprised. The average Filipina is taught to make herself pleasing to the eye, to speak only when spoken to. In school, the nuns frowned upon makeup and any artificial adornments. A proper young lady was always forbidden by her mother to respond to letters or phone calls from young men. In public, she mustn’t make eye contact with any member of the opposite sex.
A young man must make a formal suit for her hand. He must perform the courtship rituals, visit the young lady in question, and make his always honorable intentions unmistakably clear to her family. Once this young man is duly approved by her parents, he is free to propose and she is free to accept him. They are now engaged to be married. Only then can she permit him to hold her hand, perhaps even buss her on the cheek at the end of the evening. She has obediently followed the instructions of those wiser than herself. And it is not surprising that she has been taught precious little about the act of sex. The elders nod their heads: this she will learn on her own.
On her wedding night, she has a vague idea of what to expect; in fact, she knows nothing. Which is why she does exactly that: nothing. The experience of love proves unfulfilling to both the groom and his sweet, virginal bride.
An exaggeration? Maybe. But the point is more than clear. Why should we be surprised when men complain about women who are clueless about expressing themselves sexually, that they prefer a little more action from their partners? Why should we be puzzled that most women simply choose to be passive in bed? After all, the Pinay is a passive creature in most aspects of her life. Is it any wonder that she is passive in the bedroom?
The Passive Pinay
It shouldn’t be such a mystery. We live in a society that is, for the most part, run by men. From industry to politics, from courtship to marriage, men play the major active roles.
It only makes sense to expect that Filipina woman—the same creatures who are more than accustomed and even come to expect that the man make the first move—are similarly inhibited when the lights go out in the bedroom.
Many women confess to feeling, among other things, shy in bed, self-conscious. “I just feel funny about it. Parang if I do something like make the first move or make noise—it’s somehow false. It’s not me,” admits a recently-married young wife who prefers not to be named. “I know my husband would like me to participate more, but I can’t seem to.”
Claire, 29, a single, sexually active woman, said she used to just lie there. “When you’re young and virginal, keeping still is an easy fallback. But as you mature and acquire more experience, you learn. You learn what feels good. And pretty soon taking an active role in lovemaking becomes automatic. You do it because it feels good.”
Love is a Contact Sport
Women should start to see sex as distinct from love. It’s a difficult concept, particularly for generally conservative Pinays. But stay with me for a moment. One can be completely in love with one’s husband or boyfriend, but the sex can be, well, not too hot. The difficult involved is that when one sees “love” and “sex” as one and the same thing, the expectation is that the “sex” will ride along on the waves of true romantic, authentic love. Not always the case.
Why else do we hear the proverbial male philanderer saying he loves his wife, and the affairs he has on the side are just for sex? Or consider the wife who says she loves her husband but their lovemaking “just doesn’t do anything for her.”
Once we accept the idea that we need to work at both love and sex in our respective relationships, we should also accept the fact that, in a manner of speaking, love is a contact sport. What’s more, it’s a sport that involves two players; in this case, two players who take an active role. In short, sex means that both players have a role to play.
What Men Really Want
Susan Crain Bakos, author of What Men Really Want: Straight Talk From Men About Sex, stresses the importance of enjoying more honest and more mutually fulfilling sexual relationships. Part of this means acknowledging a man’s need for more active participation. In her book, she interviews hundreds of men and comes to some very definite conclusions about what they want in bed. “Men say that most women consider foreplay that which is done to and for them. The truth is, most men want their sexual partners to do things to them and for them too.”
Asking a few Filipino guys what they really want, I hear strains of the same tune. Says Rich, a thirty-something entrepreneur, “I just wish more women were comfortable about taking the initiative in sex. I had a girlfriend who took playing hard-to-get too seriously. I always wanted to make love. I always made the first move. When she finally initiated sex, I would caress her, try to arouse her, but she wouldn’t do a thing. Then I would enter her, but in my mind, wala na akong gana kasi siya rin, parang wala. It was a total turn-off.” Mike, a lawyer, confesses he has to cajole his wife into sex. “My greatest fantasy is for her to throw herself on me. Even just having her say she wants me is enough to arouse me. Of course, it has never happened. We’ve been talking about it, and she’s starting to come around. But yon, why are women so afraid to do what makes them feel good?
“The best is when a girl really touches me all over; I hate it when I’m doing all the touching and caressing. Maybe girls think that they’re cheap when they do that—but it’s the way you carry it naman eh,” says Nicky, a bank manager. “A girl can be sexually expressive…even aggressive, and not a slut. It’s sexy; not slutty.”
Acknowledge Your Desires
Let’s put that aside for a while and get to what might be an even more important reason to take “action” in the bedroom—your own sexual needs. The likelihood of sexual pleasure is solidified when you are acting. A passive recipient of sex may enjoy herself, but it’s clear that when you let yourself go, you forget your inhibitions, concentrate on what feels good…and do it. Claudia, 28, admits that she too felt self-conscious and shy about doing things. “After a while, I noticed that when I did do things, afterwards my boyfriend would say I was great. Once, I reached down to touch myself while he was penetrating me from behind, then I decided to pull his hand there and let him touch me too. The whole thing was very satisfying for both of us.” Claudia is quite sure that her sex life would not have improved the way it has—“by leaps and bounds”—if it hadn’t been for the fact that now, she is doing more.
It may come with more experience, certainly. But it will also require getting to know your own body, what you want, and throwing in the information of what your partner wants too. As Bakos says, “Sex and the desire to touch is a human need—both female and male. If women only realize this, we would have more sexual confidence in ourselves.” While Pinays are making great strides in their public lives by being more confident and assertive, they should also realize how much they have to gain by taking these same steps in their own bedrooms as well.