dhabuh
06-08-2006, 12:48 AM
Recent Quips from Late Night
"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
"According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno
"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology." --Bill Maher
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien
"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno
"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
"Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." --David Letterman
"In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." --Jay Leno
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An Ode to Old Age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
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You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
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Wife-Free Vehicle
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
"New rule: When President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart." --Bill Maher
"According to a new survey by the Pew Research Center, Republicans are happier than Democrats. Well of course they are, they own everything." --Jay Leno
"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approve a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Ireland's Prime Minister was at the White House. He presented the president with a bowl of shamrocks. And in return, Bush handed over his traditional gift to other nations, nuclear technology." --Bill Maher
"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Ireland, who gave him the traditional bowl of shamrocks. There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'Where are the pink hearts and yellow moons?'" --Conan O'Brien
"More bad news for President Bush, his approval rating now dropped again, now at 33%. I tell you, when he was at college his blood alcohol level was higher than that. I'll give you an idea of how bad Bush's approval rating is, today he got turned down by Di-Tech." --Jay Leno
"I know the country has been mired in deficit spending and it's been terrible burden on the country in terms of interest payments. Good news today out of Washington. They haven't paid down the debt or come up with any program to do so. What they did is raise the limit of debt we can go to to $9 trillion. It sends a great message to the kids: Hey, are you getting an F? Don't study harder, make the grading curve go out to K. Then your F looks like a C." --Jon Stewart
"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!" --Jay Leno
"Bush's former domestic policy advisor Claude Allen, he's now charged with defrauding department stores. And when Bush heard about this he was stunned, he was shocked. He had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser." --David Letterman
"In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy." --Jay Leno
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
An Ode to Old Age
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know, But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?
Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
You've Turned Into a Mom When...
You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"
You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Wife-Free Vehicle
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"