dhabuh
06-07-2006, 04:22 PM
How to Simulate Shipboard Life
(Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the Good Old Days)
1. Sleep on the shelf in your hall closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "whoops, wrong rack".
4. Build a wall down the middle of your bathroom, and lower the shower head to chest level.
5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.
6. Put lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high.
7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.
8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.
9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbor's car, laugh when he curses you.
11. Buy a trash compactor, use it only once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.
12. Wake up at midnight, have a peanut butter on stale bread.
13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.
14. Set alarms to go off at random times, when they go off, run into your yard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen range , say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready, sir". 3 hours later say "stove secured, sir", hang the phones on the oven door and go back to bed.
15. Once a month take every major appliance apart, let it sit for six hours and put it back together.
16. Use 17 scoops of coffee for 8 cups water, let it sit for 6 hours with the grounds still in the pot, then drink it.
17. Install a fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.
18. Invite 85 people you don't like to stay for 2 months.
19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
20. When baking a cake, prop up 1 end of the pan, then level it out with icing.
21. Every month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard" run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.
(Suggestions for the Ex-sailor who misses the Good Old Days)
1. Sleep on the shelf in your hall closet.
2. Replace the closet door with a curtain.
3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "whoops, wrong rack".
4. Build a wall down the middle of your bathroom, and lower the shower head to chest level.
5. While showering, have wife turn off water after you are soapy.
6. Put lube oil in you humidifier and turn it on high.
7. On TV watch only old movies in the middle of the night, have your family vote on the movie to watch, then tune in a different one.
8. (Mandatory for snipes) Leave the lawnmower running in the living room for 24 hours.
9. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
10. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, watch the soot land on your neighbor's car, laugh when he curses you.
11. Buy a trash compactor, use it only once a week and store the trash in the other half of the bathtub.
12. Wake up at midnight, have a peanut butter on stale bread.
13. Make up the family menu a month in advance without regard for the inventory on hand.
14. Set alarms to go off at random times, when they go off, run into your yard, grab the garden hose and wet down your house. Or put on stereo headphones, stand in front of the kitchen range , say to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready, sir". 3 hours later say "stove secured, sir", hang the phones on the oven door and go back to bed.
15. Once a month take every major appliance apart, let it sit for six hours and put it back together.
16. Use 17 scoops of coffee for 8 cups water, let it sit for 6 hours with the grounds still in the pot, then drink it.
17. Install a fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie under it and read a book.
18. Invite 85 people you don't like to stay for 2 months.
19. Lockwire the lug nuts on your car.
20. When baking a cake, prop up 1 end of the pan, then level it out with icing.
21. Every month, throw the cat in the pool, shout "man overboard" run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes off the table and yell at your wife for not having the place stowed for sea.