dhabuh
06-07-2006, 03:46 PM
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria." --Bill Maher
"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman
"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to clear up pretty quickly" --Jay Leno
"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until the new season of The Sopranos?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno
"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman
"Apparently President Charles In Charge did not know about this whole thing until the story broke in the newspapers. You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was asleep at the switch. At least he knew there was a switch." --Bill Maher
"In a speech outlining his energy program, President Bush said the United States is on the verge of a technological breakthrough that will startle most Americans. I think most Americans would be startled to know the president has an energy program." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --David Letterman
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Men, Fear, and Marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
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Filling in for Saint Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
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Things to Remember During a War
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
"Bush is in command. When he heard that sectarian militias had killed Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria." --Bill Maher
"Give her credit, Anna Nicole Smith made a compelling case. So good, in fact, that Clarence Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off exhibits A and B." --David Letterman
"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to clear up pretty quickly" --Jay Leno
"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until the new season of The Sopranos?'" --Conan O'Brien
"Looks like some kind of civil war brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno
"An Arab company might take over six American ports. President Bush says that he did not know of the plan. That is just so out of character." --David Letterman
"Apparently President Charles In Charge did not know about this whole thing until the story broke in the newspapers. You know, you could say Ronald Reagan was asleep at the switch. At least he knew there was a switch." --Bill Maher
"In a speech outlining his energy program, President Bush said the United States is on the verge of a technological breakthrough that will startle most Americans. I think most Americans would be startled to know the president has an energy program." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is letting an Arab company run ports. That's like letting Robert Blake take your wife to dinner. President Bush said that the port deal is not a security threat. That's what he said, this is not a security threat. Remember, this is the same guy who said 'Mission Accomplished.'" --David Letterman
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Men, Fear, and Marriage
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting.
It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage.
The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Filling in for Saint Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'
'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'
'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'
'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.
'Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Things to Remember During a War
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.