dhabuh
06-07-2006, 09:48 AM
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno
"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler
"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler
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Even More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
- Grow mold in your coffee cup.
- When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee.
- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
- Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
- Talk into your daytimer.
- Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
- Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
- E-mail nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
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More Musings
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
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The Priest and His Ass
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.
"The Senate has passed a resolution to make English the official language of the United States. When asked if they approve of the resolution, 75% of the people in Los Angeles said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
"A lot of sleazy politicians in the news today. Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy has written a book where he says ... he used to cruise highway truck stops looking to have sex with gay truckers. How many times have we seen this? Just another government official screwing a consumer at the gas pump." --Jay Leno
"Scientists now believe that they may be able to teach birds grammar. ... And if they succeed teaching grammar to the birds, they're going to try the same thing with President Bush." --David Letterman
"In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton ... said in her spare time what she likes to do is download iTunes. And, of course, we all know in his spare time, Bill likes to download interns." --David Letterman
"The Senate voted to make English the national language of the United States. The vote drew protests from several immigrant groups and one governor of California." --Conan O'Brien
"The Pentagon announced today that Iraq's border is now 90% under control, which is pretty impressive when you realize San Diego's border is only 20% under control." --Jay Leno
"Pat Robertson said this week that God told him that possibly a tsunami could hit the Pacific northwest this year. I don't want to be disrespectful, but possibly? ... Like God's thinking 60/40. ... Pat, that wasn't God. You fell asleep in front of the weather channel." --Jay Leno
"As part of the ongoing immigration debate, the Senate on Thursday voted 64 to 34 to make English America's national language. Coming in second: '70s jive talk." --Tina Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
"Many governors of northeastern states are unwilling to volunteer their National Guard troops to assist with President Bush's border plan. They want the Guard troops doing what they do best: freaking people out at Amtrak stations." --Amy Poehler
"A Louisiana state Senate committee unanimously approved a ban on cock fighting, in what appears to be a first step in outlawing gay marriage" --Amy Poehler
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Even More How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
- Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
- Grow mold in your coffee cup.
- When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get coffee.
- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
- Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
- Talk into your daytimer.
- Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
- Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
- E-mail nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
More Musings
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
The Priest and His Ass
A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.
The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS
The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.
The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.
The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.
The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried the bishop the next day.