dhabuh
06-07-2006, 09:18 AM
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno
"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno
"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman
"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien
"Saddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas. Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial." --Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman
"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno
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Women vs. Men
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Even More Oxymorons
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- Microsoft Works
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More Reasons for Being Fired from the Toy Store
- Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
- Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
- Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
- Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
- Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."
"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno
"In what has become standard procedure in these kind of situations, police conducted a room-by-room search of the Capitol building. That's just what congressmen want to hear this week -- a knock at the door and it's the police. They were flushing bribe money down the toilet. Ted Kennedy was out on the ledge naked." --Jay Leno
"Has anybody seen the Al Gore movie about global warming and the environment? Well, the Bush administration has seen it and they are very annoyed about the whole thing. As a matter of fact, earlier today, Dick Cheney shot a projectionist. ... One very dramatic scene in the Al Gore global warming movie is when a glacier melts and they find more Al Gore ballots from the election." --David Letterman
"At the end of last night's 'American Idol,' Ryan Seacrest announced that more than 63 million votes were cast, which is more than any president in U.S. history has ever received. ... In a related story, this morning Hillary Clinton bought a karaoke machine." --Conan O'Brien
"Saddam Hussein's former adviser, Tariq Aziz, testified at Saddam's trial while wearing pajamas. Aziz said he was confused and thought he was testifying at the Michael Jackson trial." --Conan O'Brien
"Osama bin Laden ... sent over another one of those videotapes -- chilling, chilling. In the videotape, he boasts that we will never find him or Jimmy Hoffa" --David Letterman
"According to a recent poll, 84% of Americans approve of making English the official language. I'd be happy if they made English the official language of 7-11." --Jay Leno
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Women vs. Men
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
Even More Oxymorons
- Extinct Life
- Plastic glasses
- Terribly pleased
- Computer security
- Political science
- Tight slacks
- Definite maybe
- Pretty ugly
- Rap music
- Working vacation
- Religious tolerance
- Microsoft Works
Printer Friendly Version | Send this story to a friend | Back to Top
More Reasons for Being Fired from the Toy Store
- Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
- Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
- Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
- Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
- Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."