deviant
05-10-2007, 11:49 AM
Neil Sedaka was right on the nose: breaking up is hard to do. But probably even more difficult, as I and some just-got-single girlfriends have discovered, is finding your way back into circulation after months (or even years) of social hibernation.
Having tired of what a psychologist-friend called a “post-breakup cha-cha” with Jon, my most recent ex, I decided (upon the prodding of well-meaning friends) that I needed to get back into the ‘dating scene’. The two words were enough to send chills up my spine. Just the thought of preening myself for dinner/coffee/drinks with a stranger struck a chord of desperation. We’d be just like those animals doing mating dances on Discovery Channel—except here we wear nice clothes and survey each other across a table, not an African prairie. No wonder Carrie Fisher’s character in When Harry Met Sally pronounces that anti-dating line of all time, saying to her fiancé: “Promise me I’ll never have to go out there again.”
But I want to be out there. Not so much to snare a man (well, okay, maybe partly), but more importantly to realize that there is life after Jon. I need affirmation that I still have ‘it’—it being either (a) a witty tongue that elicits laughter and an extra cup of coffee, (b) a smile that makes a man want my home number, and more importantly (c) a sense of humor, which comes in handy in case my date didn’t think I had (a) or (b). Face it: no matter how great a catch you are, how will those available men come knocking (or calling, texting, e-mailing) unless they know you exist? Says my friend Guy, “The only way to get noticed is to make yourself visible. Go out of your way to meet people. And if you really want to eventually meet the right person, chances are you will.”
The moment you see dating as a chore you have to do to achieve a definite end (read: commitment, romance, marriage), you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. See it as spontaneous and fun and you’re on the right track. After all, all of life (dating included) holds the promise of who-knows-what? Are you ready to take your social life by the horns? Consider your options, and get ready to jump in.
Do what you love
“What a minute,” I can almost hear you say. “I thought this was an article that was going to teach me how to get dates. Then what’s with this self-love psychobabble?” Surprise, surprise! One great way to gravitate towards people who like the same things you do is to pursue those very things—a hobby, a sport, a special course. Is it learning French? Water hockey? Scuba diving? Oil painting? Sailing?
Reggie, 33, met Michael, 30, three years ago while minding her own business—or should I say, sport. A triathlete, her idea of going out was running cross-country, biking to Tagaytay, and swimming as early as 5:30 a.m. at the country club pool. At an international competition, she met Michael, a fellow triathlete. Their mutual preference for active dates formed a strong foundation for their relationship.
For 32-year-old Therese, an operations manager for a family business, joining a prayer meeting opened doors to her present relationships. “Patrick and I were leaders in our parish youth group, and we all got close,” she recalls. From initial group outings, the two eventually broke away for intimate dinners and movies.
Discovering what you’re passionate about and doing something about it makes you even more attractive to men. “There’s something exciting about a woman who knows what she wants and is passionate about it,” says my friend Guy
Make new friends (but keep the old)
Another thing you can do to up your chances of meeting new people is to widen your circle of friends. We’re not talking about becoming Miss Friendship all of a sudden, but at least become open about going out with more than just your barkada. “Hanging out with just one clique is like having a ball and chain tied to your leg,” says Myles, 31. “You keep going ‘round and ‘round in circles without getting anywhere.” After she split with her partner of two years, the typically shy architect made a conscious effort to break free from hanging out with the same people. She attended restaurant openings with friends she met at work, had drinks with newfound pals at the gym. Recently, she met an interesting, funny guy on a trip to Sorsogon with yet another set of friends. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my old friends and still see them once in a while,” she says. “But limbering up socially made me a little more outspoken and enthusiastic about life and people.”
Learn the six degrees of set-ups
Dating is like exercising—the hardest part is getting started. At first, you’ll feel a little awkward but in time, and with some practice, you get more comfortable. One way you can get dates is via the set-up or blind date. In my case, a set-up helped me get on the road of heart wellness. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” broached Stella, my TV executive friend. “He’s really nice, 32, very stable…” she said rattling off his best points. Still smarting from heartbreak, I said okay but insisted on the safe “group thing”. Good call. Though I wouldn’t bank on Stella’s matchmaking capabilities to save my life, he was a nice enough guy and I enjoyed myself.
Lizette, a 29-year-old preschool teacher, uses the ‘I’ll date him at least once’ rule for blind dates. “Even if it doesn’t click with this one, he’s sure to have a friend, a brother, a cousin, or a cousin’s cousin who I’m bound to meet later on. Who knows” That she’s currently unattached is not the point: she’s filled her life with new acquaintances. Likewise for Charie, 30. While she and her blind date—a tall, athletic jock—didn’t hit it off, his friend Iñaki, who joined them that night, developed an instant crush on the sunny assistant bank manager. “He called me five days after the night we met, and casually asked me out for another group gimmick,” says Charie. “I was flattered even if he wasn’t my physical type, and it made me feel confident that I was still attractive.”
The boy friend connection
Unless you’ve already realized it, single male friends are a godsend, so count your blessings. Never mind if you rarely called them when you were someone else’s girlfriend—if they’re true pals, they’ll be glad to hear from you. So go ahead and ring them up.
Besides, there are boy friends who will keep an eagle eye out for available men for you. Elisa, 25, calls Art a precious find. “Since college, he’s been looking out for me. And just last week, he called me to say he’ll set me up with this tall, chinito attorney he thinks is really my type. Isn’t that sweet?” When 32-year-old Lucille split from her boyfriend of six years, who ran to her rescue but Dindo, her high school prom date? “He came to me when I was super down and said, ‘Tara, set up kita.’ Turned out I already knew the guy he had in mind, but I appreciated it talaga.”
Don’t play the ice maiden…please.
Unless you’re auditioning for amateur theater, ditch your ice maiden act. A warm and receptive attitude will attract more people (dates included) to you than a snobbish countenance ever will. According to Alan Loy McGinnis in his book The Friendship Factor, the age-long attraction to the aloof and distant woman may just be on its way out. In an experiment of several hundred college men that tested their various reactions to women, the final result was this: “The more romantic interest the girl displayed, the more desirable the male students judged her to be. Apparently all the world does love a lover,” wrote McGinnis. So there.
Now that you’ve consciously admitted your desire to date, don’t feel compelled to say yes to every invitation. While going on a dating rampage can sound thrilling at first, too much too soon can leave you feeling empty and sounding redundant (how often can you tell someone about your family and relationship history in a week?). Feel free to say no when it doesn’t feel right, but don’t censor a nice guy because you don’t think he could ever become the father of your children. The truth is, you’ll never know. A good conversation may make you think again
Having tired of what a psychologist-friend called a “post-breakup cha-cha” with Jon, my most recent ex, I decided (upon the prodding of well-meaning friends) that I needed to get back into the ‘dating scene’. The two words were enough to send chills up my spine. Just the thought of preening myself for dinner/coffee/drinks with a stranger struck a chord of desperation. We’d be just like those animals doing mating dances on Discovery Channel—except here we wear nice clothes and survey each other across a table, not an African prairie. No wonder Carrie Fisher’s character in When Harry Met Sally pronounces that anti-dating line of all time, saying to her fiancé: “Promise me I’ll never have to go out there again.”
But I want to be out there. Not so much to snare a man (well, okay, maybe partly), but more importantly to realize that there is life after Jon. I need affirmation that I still have ‘it’—it being either (a) a witty tongue that elicits laughter and an extra cup of coffee, (b) a smile that makes a man want my home number, and more importantly (c) a sense of humor, which comes in handy in case my date didn’t think I had (a) or (b). Face it: no matter how great a catch you are, how will those available men come knocking (or calling, texting, e-mailing) unless they know you exist? Says my friend Guy, “The only way to get noticed is to make yourself visible. Go out of your way to meet people. And if you really want to eventually meet the right person, chances are you will.”
The moment you see dating as a chore you have to do to achieve a definite end (read: commitment, romance, marriage), you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. See it as spontaneous and fun and you’re on the right track. After all, all of life (dating included) holds the promise of who-knows-what? Are you ready to take your social life by the horns? Consider your options, and get ready to jump in.
Do what you love
“What a minute,” I can almost hear you say. “I thought this was an article that was going to teach me how to get dates. Then what’s with this self-love psychobabble?” Surprise, surprise! One great way to gravitate towards people who like the same things you do is to pursue those very things—a hobby, a sport, a special course. Is it learning French? Water hockey? Scuba diving? Oil painting? Sailing?
Reggie, 33, met Michael, 30, three years ago while minding her own business—or should I say, sport. A triathlete, her idea of going out was running cross-country, biking to Tagaytay, and swimming as early as 5:30 a.m. at the country club pool. At an international competition, she met Michael, a fellow triathlete. Their mutual preference for active dates formed a strong foundation for their relationship.
For 32-year-old Therese, an operations manager for a family business, joining a prayer meeting opened doors to her present relationships. “Patrick and I were leaders in our parish youth group, and we all got close,” she recalls. From initial group outings, the two eventually broke away for intimate dinners and movies.
Discovering what you’re passionate about and doing something about it makes you even more attractive to men. “There’s something exciting about a woman who knows what she wants and is passionate about it,” says my friend Guy
Make new friends (but keep the old)
Another thing you can do to up your chances of meeting new people is to widen your circle of friends. We’re not talking about becoming Miss Friendship all of a sudden, but at least become open about going out with more than just your barkada. “Hanging out with just one clique is like having a ball and chain tied to your leg,” says Myles, 31. “You keep going ‘round and ‘round in circles without getting anywhere.” After she split with her partner of two years, the typically shy architect made a conscious effort to break free from hanging out with the same people. She attended restaurant openings with friends she met at work, had drinks with newfound pals at the gym. Recently, she met an interesting, funny guy on a trip to Sorsogon with yet another set of friends. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my old friends and still see them once in a while,” she says. “But limbering up socially made me a little more outspoken and enthusiastic about life and people.”
Learn the six degrees of set-ups
Dating is like exercising—the hardest part is getting started. At first, you’ll feel a little awkward but in time, and with some practice, you get more comfortable. One way you can get dates is via the set-up or blind date. In my case, a set-up helped me get on the road of heart wellness. “There’s someone I want you to meet,” broached Stella, my TV executive friend. “He’s really nice, 32, very stable…” she said rattling off his best points. Still smarting from heartbreak, I said okay but insisted on the safe “group thing”. Good call. Though I wouldn’t bank on Stella’s matchmaking capabilities to save my life, he was a nice enough guy and I enjoyed myself.
Lizette, a 29-year-old preschool teacher, uses the ‘I’ll date him at least once’ rule for blind dates. “Even if it doesn’t click with this one, he’s sure to have a friend, a brother, a cousin, or a cousin’s cousin who I’m bound to meet later on. Who knows” That she’s currently unattached is not the point: she’s filled her life with new acquaintances. Likewise for Charie, 30. While she and her blind date—a tall, athletic jock—didn’t hit it off, his friend Iñaki, who joined them that night, developed an instant crush on the sunny assistant bank manager. “He called me five days after the night we met, and casually asked me out for another group gimmick,” says Charie. “I was flattered even if he wasn’t my physical type, and it made me feel confident that I was still attractive.”
The boy friend connection
Unless you’ve already realized it, single male friends are a godsend, so count your blessings. Never mind if you rarely called them when you were someone else’s girlfriend—if they’re true pals, they’ll be glad to hear from you. So go ahead and ring them up.
Besides, there are boy friends who will keep an eagle eye out for available men for you. Elisa, 25, calls Art a precious find. “Since college, he’s been looking out for me. And just last week, he called me to say he’ll set me up with this tall, chinito attorney he thinks is really my type. Isn’t that sweet?” When 32-year-old Lucille split from her boyfriend of six years, who ran to her rescue but Dindo, her high school prom date? “He came to me when I was super down and said, ‘Tara, set up kita.’ Turned out I already knew the guy he had in mind, but I appreciated it talaga.”
Don’t play the ice maiden…please.
Unless you’re auditioning for amateur theater, ditch your ice maiden act. A warm and receptive attitude will attract more people (dates included) to you than a snobbish countenance ever will. According to Alan Loy McGinnis in his book The Friendship Factor, the age-long attraction to the aloof and distant woman may just be on its way out. In an experiment of several hundred college men that tested their various reactions to women, the final result was this: “The more romantic interest the girl displayed, the more desirable the male students judged her to be. Apparently all the world does love a lover,” wrote McGinnis. So there.
Now that you’ve consciously admitted your desire to date, don’t feel compelled to say yes to every invitation. While going on a dating rampage can sound thrilling at first, too much too soon can leave you feeling empty and sounding redundant (how often can you tell someone about your family and relationship history in a week?). Feel free to say no when it doesn’t feel right, but don’t censor a nice guy because you don’t think he could ever become the father of your children. The truth is, you’ll never know. A good conversation may make you think again