Sports Jokes

[gj23tm_64]

The hooker

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession to make. I'm a golf addict.
I play whenever I have a minute. I can't get enough of it. you'll probably never see me on the weekends."

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a confession also...I'm a hooker."

"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. Yu'll be hitting them straight in no time."

[gj23tm_64]

Priest and god

One beautiful Saturday afternoon a priest and a man are golfing.

The priest tees-off first making a beautiful shot on the fairway. Next the man hits and his shot crashes into the water trap. "God-damn it I missed!"
the man exclaims in anger.

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest replies.

One the next tee the priest makes a nice shot onto the green while the man's lands in the sand. "God-damn it I missed!"

"Be careful or God will strike you with a lightning bolt," the priest says.

Next hole the priest gets the play within range for an eagle put. The man shots and again it flys into the water. "God-damn it I missed!"

As the man said this, the sky clouded over. All of a sudden a lightning bolt came down and hit the priest.

The man looked up to hear, "God-damn it I missed!"

[gj23tm_64]

Jesus golfing

Jesus, Moses and Elijah were feeling good one day so they decided to go golfing.

Jesus being Jesus always gets to tee off first. They get to the 7th hole, which is a long par 5 with a creek running across it at about 240 yards. Jesus gets up to tee off and selects his driver. Moses asks Jesus if he is going to try to drive across the creek and Jesus says that he is feeling so good that he thinks he can make it. So Jesus tees off and it is a long drive but it lands in the middle of the creek. Jesus asks Moses to part the water of the creek so he can retrieve his ball saying, "You know how much I hate to lose a ball." So Moses parts the waters of the creek and the ball is retrieved. Jesus tees it up again and because he is Jesus he gets unlimited mulligans. Jesus
says he is going to try to drive the creek again. Moses
responds, "Ok, but I am not going to help you get it back again!" Jesus hits tee shot again and sure enough kerr plop it lands in the creek again. So he goes down and is walking on the water looking for his ball.

Meanwhile back at the tee the following foursome has reached the tee.

One of the golfers says to Moses, "Look at that guy walking on the water. Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses responds, "No, he thinks he is Tiger Woods."

[gj23tm_64]

Old golfers

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

[gj23tm_64]

Tiger wouldn't do that

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make-I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" says the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that. "

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

[gj23tm_64]

Golf and the physical therapist

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

[gj23tm_64]

Bedroom golf

The rules for playing bedroom golf.

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.

Course owners are permitted to check shaft before play begins.

Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on in the past or are currently playing on to the owner of the course being played.

Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.

Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered to be a private course.

The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

Players are also advised not to play on courses where there is no bush surrounding the hole.

Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

You do not have to let other players play through.

It is not advisable for two players to attempt the same hole at the same time.

[gj23tm_64]

Blonde golfers

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball?"

[gj23tm_64]

Soccer game

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"

The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."

[gj23tm_64]

Top 10 - golf tips

Top 10 Suggestions For Men While Playing Golf or Using A Urinal

10. Back straight, knees bent, and feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Quiet please!...while others are preparing to take their shot.
5. Stay out of the water.
4. Try not to hit anyone.
3. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
2. Don't stare while others address their balls.

And the #1 suggestion for guys while playing golf or using
a urinal....

1. Don't let anyone see you take those extra strokes!

[gj23tm_64]

Posted at a local golf club

1. Back Straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please....while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

[gj23tm_64]

Hunting?

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, "Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex." Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex." Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.
The Polar Bear said, "Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[gj23tm_64]

Spring training

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

[gj23tm_64]

12 and 5 season

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season this year, 12 arrests, 5 convictions.

[gj23tm_64]

Huddle dallas cowboys

Q: Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
A: It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

[gj23tm_64]

Cowboys in car

Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
A: The police.

[gj23tm_64]

Drug ring

Q: What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
A: A huddle.

[gj23tm_64]

The truth about newspapers

Two young boys are walking down the street. Out from and alley runs a rabid rottweiler and attacks the 2nd boy. The first boy grabs a 2X4 laying near the alley and beats the dog to death and saves his friend's life.

A reporter from the St. Louis Post Dispatch gets wind of the story and requests an interview from the 1st boy. He runs the story on the front page and the headline reads: Rams Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From A Rabid Rottweiler

The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Rams fan." The reporter says, "Well, I just thought that since you are from St. Louis that you would be a Rams fan. I'll correct the mistake in tomorrow's paper."

The next day the front page reads: Chiefs Fan Bravely Saves Friend's Life From Rabid Rottweiler The boy calls the reporter and says, "I'm not a Chiefs fan either!" The reporter says, "Are you a fan of football at all?"

The boy says, "Yes. In fact, I am a die hard Cowboys fan." The reporter agrees to note the change in the next day's newspaper.

The next day the front page reads: Red Neck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

[gj23tm_64]

Pete rose & pizza hut ad

In 1995, Pizza Hut scheduled a commercial featuring Pete Rose.
According to news reports, "a young boy is supposed to ask
Pete about his accomplishments in baseball. At the end, Rose
asks if the boy likes Pizza Hut pizza, and the boy replies,
'You bet!'" After reviewing the script, the company canceled
the script. "That's not the best choice of words," explained
Rose.

[Manoy]

Hehehe Nice cpllection of jokes!