My Office Jokes Thread

[gj23tm_64]

The idiot and the executive

An unemployed idiot saw a Help Wanted sign outside a large convention center. He went in and applied for the job.

“We have a major business convention tomorrow – some of the most important executives in the world will be coming! I need someone who will take care of security, check the invitations, give directions, etc. You will stand at the front door. Can you do it?” said the manager.

“Oh, YES SIR!” said the idiot.

The following night the manager gave final instructions.

“THIS IS YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION AND A LIST OF YOUR DUTIES! You need to be paying attention! I need your full cooperation! You HAVE to do this job correctly! I have put these directions on this paper!” he said, handing it to the idiot. “Remember! The guests remain on the convention floor! The rest of the center is being used! And keep things clean! Be careful! And you are SECURITY! So keep order!”

“Yes, SIR!” said the idiot enthusiastically.

An hour later, the convention was going well and the manager was greeting the executives. Then he heard something strange. He went to the front door and his mouth dropped open in shock.

There he saw a very distinguished middle-aged gentleman, an impeccably dressed, handsome and dignified business executive in a $3,000 navy blue business suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, hundred dollar haircut and silver cufflinks. However, this corporate executive was barefoot! In addition, he was down on all fours and cleaning the floor with a scrub brush on his hands and knees!

The idiot, now the security guard and greeter, was yelling orders. In one hand he held a pair of highly polished Italian leather loafers. In the other he held a pair of black silk business socks.

"Please! This is an Armani suit! It's getting WET!" begged the executive. "And when can I put my shoes and socks back on?"

“No questions, and get to work!” snapped the idiot, and slapped the soles of the executive’s bare feet. The executive shuddered.

The manager ran over to the businessman and helped him up. The executive’s face was beet red with anger and humiliation.

“You will be SUED! This is an outrage! He pushed me down and pulled these right off my feet! Give me those! He told me to start scrubbing or he would use his gun!” yelled the executive, and he grabbed his shiny expensive shoes and socks from the idiot.

“What are you doing?!” shouted the manager to the idiot, in shock. “How dare you?!”

The idiot looked bewildered.

“But I’m just following directions, sir! You said: Keep things clean! Keep order!”

The manager yelled: “He was BAREFOOT on ALL FOURS and wearing an ARMANI SUIT!”

The idiot said: “But it says right here: ‘KEEP GUESTS ON THE FLOOR AT ALL TIMES! NO EXCEPTIONS!”

The manager groaned. "But what about his SHOES? Why did you take them away from him? Are you crazy?"

The idiot pointed at his job description: “NO LOAFERS WILL BE TOLERATED!”

Then the stunned manager saw ANOTHER pair of polished executive loafers.

"DON'T TELL ME...SOMEONE ELSE..." sputtered the manager.

The idiot cheerfully pointed up.

A few feet above was another very well-dressed and distinguished business executive in another expensive business suit, cufflinks, white shirt and necktie. He was tied to a ceiling lamp fixture which had been hooked up under the jacket of his Brooks Brothers pinstriped suit and attached to his suspenders. His bare toes dangled just above their heads. His face was furious with rage and embarassment, but he couldn't speak because his silk socks were in his mouth.

The manager was now in shock. He just pointed.

The idiot grinned. "That one put up a big fight, and wouldn't take his shoes off. So I finally had to put his socks in his mouth. It says right here: "Maintain a quiet and orderly atmosphere".

"But why...why did you put him up there?" whispered the manager.

"Sir! It says RIGHT HERE! Anyone who makes trouble will be SUSPENDED!" :D

[gj23tm_64]

Retired engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded with the following account:

Chalk: $1

Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

[gj23tm_64]

The school teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them. This happened several times.

While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.

Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

[gj23tm_64]

The ceo

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[gj23tm_64]

The scientist

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the farmer.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first."

The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question.

Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know."

[gj23tm_64]

Death of an engineer

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

[gj23tm_64]

Last wishes

An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. One was a doctor, one a priest, and the other an attorney.

"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.

A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.

Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scanner broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."

As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially unfortunate this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."

The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"

The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"

"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the full amount!"

[gj23tm_64]

So you want a day off...

So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for!

There are 365 days this year.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you're going to take that day off!

[gj23tm_64]

Millennia year application software

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as: "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his
nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.
As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."

[gj23tm_64]

Management lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[gj23tm_64]

Management lesson #3

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot
the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[gj23tm_64]

Management lesson #1

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out. Then he ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

[gj23tm_64]

Management lesson #2

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went
on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

[gj23tm_64]

Who's laziest

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for
him, so one day he decided to trick them into
doing some work for a change. "I've got a really
easy job today for the laziest one among you," the
foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please
put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman
asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came
the reply.

[gj23tm_64]

Starting wage

A boss tells his new employee, "I will give you $8
an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise
it to $10 an hour. So when would you like to start?"

The new employee replied, "In three months."

[gj23tm_64]

Interviews

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.

So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about
me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear
glasses if you don't have any ears!"

[gj23tm_64]

Barracks door

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She
was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his
fly was open. When leaving the room, she said,
"Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He
did not understand her remark, but later on he
happened to look down and saw that his zipper
was open.

He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss
Jones, when you saw my barracks door was
open this morning, did you also notice a soldier
standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why
no sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran
sitting on two duffel bags."

[gj23tm_64]

Quick excuses

To save time for this department and yourself,
please give your excuse by number. The list
below covers most situations.

1. That's the way we've always done it.

2. I didn't know you were in a hurry for it

3. That's not in my department.

4. No one told me to go ahead.

5. I'm waiting for an OK.

6. How did I know this was different?

7. That is his job, not mine.

8. Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.

9. I forgot.

10. I didn't think it was very important.

11. I'm so busy, that I just can't get around to it.

12. I thought I told you!

[gj23tm_64]

Equal oppurtunity employer

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said,
"Meow."

[gj23tm_64]

Jurror screening

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this
case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job for that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know that."

[gj23tm_64]

Half empty?

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say
a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half
empty. What would people of different professions and
walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under
50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller
than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because
the present administration has changed the way such
volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass
is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in
the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half
anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, "What did your mother
say about the glass?"

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder
is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless
liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the
cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the
cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass
doesn't have enough ice in it.

[gj23tm_64]

Ran out

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was
the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.

One man, popping his head out of his cubicle said, "Oh, man! Someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I ran out yesterday."

[gj23tm_64]

How to have fun at work?

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

4. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

5. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Spike." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Sparky."

6. High-light your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

7. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

13. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."

14. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

15. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of
a different gender than you.)

[gj23tm_64]

Worry about money

Fresh out of business school, the young man
answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was
being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a
small business that he had started himself. "I need
someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my
worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I
don't want to have to worry about money. Your job
will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much
does the job pay?"

"I will start you at $95,000."

"Ninety-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant
exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a
sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

[gj23tm_64]

Advertising mentality

Two advertising executives were having lunch and
talking. The young exec trainee said to the older,
wiser man, "Where has Ben Harris been hanging
out? I haven't seen him for a while."

The senior exec replied, "Haven't you heard? Ben
Harris went to that great ad agency in the sky."

"Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding
me, right? What did he have?"

"Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec. "A small
toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores,
but nothing much worth going after."

[gj23tm_64]

Overworked

I'm tired. For a couple years, I've been blaming it on iron
poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other
maladies. But now I found out it ain't that. I'm tired
because I'm overworked.

The population of this country (the USA) is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government.

This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in
the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the
work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for
State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to
do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to
do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

Boy Oh Boy . . . And you're sitting there reading this. No
wonder I'm tired, I'm the only one working.

[gj23tm_64]

Who to lay off?

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of
one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of
two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard
decision to make, as they were both equally qualified
and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in
the morning whichever one used the water cooler first
would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get
some water to take a couple of aspirins and the
executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never
done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a
terrible headache."

[gj23tm_64]

New employee

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee
quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No", replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

The man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you old Bastard?"

"No.", replied the Managing Director.

"Good!", replied the trainee and put down the phone!"

[gj23tm_64]

First name basis

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr.Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

[gj23tm_64]

Musical director

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[gj23tm_64]

Job security quiz

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.

B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.

C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.

B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.

C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.

B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.

C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.

B. Blame someone else.

C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.

B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.

C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.

B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.

C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

A. Clean the office while he supervises.

B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.

C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test:

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

[gj23tm_64]

Caught sleeping at work?

Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk!

25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis Yeast syndrome, do you?!"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White Out."

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken."

5. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "Its okay. I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "... and I especially want to thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

[gj23tm_64]

Old occupations

What happens when people of different occupations get old:

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....

- Old printers never die, they're just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

- Old whitewater rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

[gj23tm_64]

Flower mixup

A new business was opening and one of the
owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the
occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the
owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to
complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious
mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather
than getting angry you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place
today, and they have flowers with a note
saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'."