Bestmans Collection - From Pacland

[Bestman]

BOY: lolo bakit po kayo nakahubo sa harap ng electric fan?
LOLO: utos ng lola mo eh, kasi kahapon nagpahangin siya sa harap ng
electric fan, TUMIGAS ang leeg nya...!!!



NURSE: Doc! ang lalim yata ng iniisip nyo ah, bakit thermometer
ang nasa bibig nyo?
DOC: oh **** ! pwe ! yung ballpen ang naibalik ko sa puwet ng patient ko!


Nang malaman ni lola na may cancer siya, tinanong niya sa doctor kung anong gagawin.
DOC: "che-chemo"
LOLA: "tete" mo rin....bastos kang doctor! :'(

[Bestman]

LOLO: haay! ang tagal ko nang walang sex!
PROSTI: kaya naman pala! para kang si Spiderman eh!
LOLO: bakit masyado bang malapot ?
PROSTI: hindi, may AGIW na ang singit mo !!! :'(

WIFE: lab, may taning na buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na ito, make love with me please...sige na naman oh!
HUSBAND: Heh! tumigil ka nga diyan! maaga pa ako bukas, buti ikaw hindi na!
Sweethearts making love....

Girlfriend: Luvs, alam mo ikaw lang ang nakapagkama sakin.
Boyfriend: SWERTE ko naman!
Girlfriend: Oo, kasi yung iba sa CAR, KUSINA, sa SALA, sa LABABO at iba pa...

LOLO: labs 69 nman tayo oh
LOLA: Damuho ka kung kelan tayo tumanda saka ka naging bastos! D ka na nahiya sa sarili mo. Tama na sa akin itong dog style.

Friendship is like a PENIZ
I mean...
Sa HABA ng pagsasama
Nananatili itong NAKATAYO
at MATIGAS!
Lalo na pag HINAHAWAKAN ng pagmamahal
at NASUSUBO sa problema

Why do vegetarian women not scream during orgasm?
Because they refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them so much pleasure!

An 80 year old man went to a beerhouse...
Girl: Sir, ano po gusto niyo GRO or CG?
Lolo: GRO.. alam ko pero ano ang CG? Yan ba yun Call Girl?
Girl: Hindi Sir, Care Giver!



Interviewer: Miss, which is more addictive - drugs or sex?
Girl: Ahh... ahh.. well... really,,, sa totoo lang no... it depends on the pusher.
A man reads a book next to his wife and his finger went to tickle his wife's p...y,

wife asks,

"You want sex?"

Husband: "No, just want to wet my finger to turn the page..."
tuloy natin...

Seksing ale
naglalakad
sa buendia


nakalabas
ang isang suso

napansin ng
isang lalake

"miss yung
dede mo
nakalabas"

SEXY: " ay putangina
naiwan ko sa taxi
baby ko!!!" ___
Girl in a cinema turns sideway and whispers to her boyfriend: " the man next to me is masturbating".

BF: "ignore him"
GF: " I can't"
BF: " why not???"
GF: " He's using my hand! " __
_EVA: Adan, ano yang nakalawit sayo?
ADAN: ito ang BAYANI SA BUHAY NG LALAKE! eh ano naman yang biyak sa gitna ng mga hita mo?
EVA: ah! ito ang LIBINGAN NG MGA BAYANI!!!

[Bestman]

Priest: Sister, ano ang apelyido mo?

Sister: Lagi po ninyong hinahawakan, father.

Priest: "titi?"

Sister: HESUSMARYOSEP!!! Rosario ang apelyido ko father!!! _
_May isang pari na nilipat sa pinaka malayung simbahan sa bayan dahil maraming bisyo. Isang araw dinalaw siya ng Obispo.

Obispo: Kumusta ka na Padre. Ano bang pinagka-abalahan mo dito?

Pari: Rosario at kape na lang Monsinyor.

Obispo: Mabuti na man at nagbago ka na.

Pari: Sabay sigaw “ ROSARIO, mag timpla ka nang KAPE kasi nandito si Monsinyor

Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00

between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the

butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."

Larry replied, "Don't worry -- just follow
me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double

shots of Jack Daniels.

Scott said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will

be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a
smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get

on your knees and put it in your
mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them

out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk,

all for free.

At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry --
I don't think I can do this

anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third

bar!



Sa kumpisalan:

Juan: Padre, patawarin nyo po ako dahil kumantot ako ng kambing...

Padre: Anak ang hay*op ay para sa ha*yop.

Lumipas ang isang lingo...

Juan: Padre patawarin nyo po ako dahil k......... ako ng madre.

Padre: Anak, ang madre para sa padre, bumalik ka na lang sa kambing!!!!



In a biology exam, d tacher asked the class 2 draw a female reproductive organ. 1 girl felt shy & looked down...

then a boy shouted

"teacher, she's copying!"

pari at muslim:

pari: wag kang magsinungaling igso, nakatikim ka na ba ng baboy?

muslim : ah..oo...isang beses lang...masarap...ikaw padre, nakatikim ka na ba ng babae?

pari: sus, igso...masarap pa sa baboy...__

[Bestman]

MISTER: "Pag namatay ka, isusulat ko sa nitso mo, 'MALAMIG NUNG BUHAY, MAS MALAMING NUNG MAMATAY!'"
MISIS: "Ah, ganoon ba? Pag ikaw ang namatay, isusulat ko naman sa nitso mo, 'SA WAKAS NANIGAS DIN!"
Lalaki: "Taksil ka! Baog ako paano ka nabuntis? Sino ang ama?
Ang kaibigan kong bang si Karyo, si Pekto, o si Teban?"
Asawa: "Puro kaibigan mo, kaibigan mo na lang lagi! Bakit ako ba ay walang kaibigan?"

Clocks In Heaven???

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those
are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie
the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man,
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the
man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's clock?" asked the man. The Philippine
President's' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman
ang
uupo sa sofa at manoood ng tv.

Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.

LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo yang kabaklaan mo!


_Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak
ko
rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan_
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo, hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang
animal!
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin ko lang tooth brush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
_Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa
sa
estudiante.
Bugaw: Yung PRINCIPAL, sir!
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang
sarili ko...
Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa ata matatangap...
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa
'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito sa korte ang taong nangreype
sa
'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango ilong, at bungal...
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!

Doctor1: pare, parang nakukunsiensia talaga ako..

Doctor2: bakit pare?

Doctor1: nakipag sex ako sa pasyente ko...

Doctor2: pare.. natural lang sa profession natin yan... wag ka ng mabahala... mawawala din yan.

Doctor1: pero pare... isa kang dentista. BETERINARYO ako!

[Bestman]

Teacher: "pass your papers! late papers will not be accepted"

A boy cuntinued furiously to write on his paper while all the others pass theirs. After 5 minutes he approached the teacher and said, " Sir! do you know me?"

Teacher: "NO"

He immediately insert his paper in the middle of the set of test papers and said , "GOOD" then quickly left

lalaki 1: pre, dinala ko ang gf ko sa bahay, at ipinakilala kay ina..kaso lang hindi siya type ng inay ko. anong gagawin ko?

lalaki 2: siguro, ito ang gawin mo, mag-dala ka ng kapareha ng profile at kamukha sa nanay mo, siguradong magugustuhan niya yun...

lalaki 1: bay, ginawa ko na yun dati. pero ang tatay ko naman ang di gusto. ______________
INA: Suwail kang anak!!! tarantado puro kalokohan ang mga trabaho mo at puro kahihiyan lang ang idinudulot mo sa pamilya natin!!!!! Kung alam ko lang na magiging ganito ka eh sana tsinupa ko na lang ang tatay mo nun!!!!


Daddy: nak, bili mo ko ng softdrinx...
Anak: coke o pepsi
D:coke
A: diet o regular?
D: regular
A: bote o n can?
D: bote
A: 8oz o litro?
D: Puñeta!!! tubig na lang!!!
A: mineral o natural?
D: mineral...
A: malamig o hindi?
D: tang ina! Hampasin kita ng walis e!!!
A: walis o tingting?
D: HAYUP KA!!!
A: baka o baboy?





A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.


An American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"


Acknowledging Dave, the American on his right, the man replied,"A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.


"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."


He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.


Eleuterio replied, " Apter herring da 3 frevyos ansers sirrr, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thang known is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"O I can expleyn serrr ." said Eleuterio . "



YOU SEE SERR, DA other day Iwasn't Peeeling so good and I run soo fast to the CR or bathroom,But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,ay 'tang ina, I already had a big tae, ka-ka or poo-poo in my pants.
Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart
Doctor: Ano ba trabaho mi iha?

Girl: Substitute po.

Doctor: Hindi kaya prostitute?

Girl: Hindi po. Yung nanay ko po yung PROSTITUTE. Pag me sakit po sya, ako po yung SUBSTITUTE.
_________________

[Bestman]

Son: ""Tay, I saved 3 pesos today!"
Father: "Paano?"
Son: "Di ako sumakay ng jeep, sinabayan ko na lang ng pagtakbo hanggang makarating ako dito sa bahay!"
Father: "Bobo, sana mas malaki ang natipid mo kung ang sinabayan mo ay iyong taksi!"

Prosti offers sex to bombay...

Bombay: ok, I pay u dobol but we do it indian style.

Prosti agrees...

After sex, prosti asks," So what's INDIAN STYLE? "

Bombay: 90 days to pay!!!

An ilocano goes to a redhouse and says to the girls "I want to do it the ilocano way!"

None of the girls knew about it. So a brave girl stood up and approach the ilocano, "i'm willing to do it if you teach me how!"

So the ilocano and the girl went to a room and did it.

When it was over, the girl said to the ilocano "Wala naman pinagbago yun ginawa natin ha? Ano pagkakaiba ng ilocano way?

The ilocano answered "Libre!"




_A police officer to a sexy victim of sexual harrasment:
" e ano ginawa ng boss mo sayo?"

Sexy: Pinaghahalikan nya ko sa leeg, sa labi at sa tenga. Tapos tinangal nya yung blouse ko at yung bra ko at sinuso yung utong ko sa magkabilang suso. Tapos tinaas nya yung palda ko at hinatak yung panty ko...

Police officer: AY POTAH!!! sa iba ka na magpaimbestiga. Tinitigasan ako!!!!

_
Dalawang lasing:

Lasing 1 : Tukmol, tama na uwi na tayo lasing na ako. Paningin ko sa mga bahay gumagalaw na.


Lasing 2 ): Ah ganun ba. E di nalang tayo uuwi Pre, hintayin nalang natin dadaan ang mga bahay natin ...

Wife sinampal ang asawa...

Wife: Sino si jasmine?

Husband: Yung kabayong bet ko sa karera!

NEXT day sinampal ulit!!!!

Husband: Baket???

Wife: Tumawag yung kabayo mo!!!
GMA UMAKYAT SA ROOFTOP...
Erap accidentally
Bumps an american...

Erap: I'm sorry.
American: I' sorry 2.
Erap(puzzled, replies) I'm sorry 3.
American: What are you sorry 4?
Erap; (thinksawhile) I'm sorry 5.
There' this
japanese
girl who
is very hot,
nice,sexy and charming.
But nobody
wants
to court
her
as
soon as
they know
her name...

FUKINIYA
MAKUTO
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman
dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty,
para 'di nya makita!

[Bestman]

Shortest
fairytale
ever...
once
upon a time,
a guy
made luv to
a girl
she got
pregnant.
he asked
the girl,
wil you
marry me?
she
said
NO!!!
and the
guy lived
happily
ever after.
D wife lost 3 panties and blamed the maid in front of her husband. The maid looked at the husband and said: " Sir, kayo ang testigo, hindi ako nagpapanty, di ba?
Pasyente: Dok, sobrang bingi na yata ako at hindi ko na marinig ang sarili kong utot.

Doktor: O eto tabletas inumin mo.

Pasyente: gamot ba ito sa bingi?

Doktor: hindi, pampalakas yan ng UTOT!!!!

Pototoy: can i buy a condom please.

Pharmacist: Let me hold it sir so that the size will be exact...

The pharmacist shouted to her assistant: " get a small condom hurry up ...wait...make it large. It's getting bigger... wait make it extra large. Dammit !!!! get a tissue paper!!! It's wet all over...
Aksidenteng nakita ng bata ang nanay na nakapatong sa tatay...

Bata: Nanay, bat po kayo nagpapatalbog talbog sa tyan ni tatay?

Nanay: eh... para ano... para lumiit ang tyan ng tatay mo...

Bata: hu wala ring epekto yan!

Nanay: bakit anak????

Bata: E mamaya lang iihipan na naman yan ng yaya ko!!!!

MISTER: Ano ba yan!!!! ang baho ng hininga mo!!!!

MISIS: Tarantado kang **** ka !!!! lasing ka na namang ulol ka!!!! Umayos ka nga sa pagkakahiga at ng hindi PEKPEK yang kausap mo!!!!

Ang sigang si Beling at ang batang si toype ay magkatabi sa silya...

BELING: Hoy toype!! alis dyan at uutot ako!!!

Toype: (tinakpan ang tenga) o tigi utut na.....



Pare kadyo noong araw ng akoy unang mag-practice sa Elorde boxing gym sa paranaque noong 1984 mayroon isang nag-try out para mag boxing din, ininterview muna ni Flash yong nag try out.

Flash:anong pangalan mo?

Boxer:Joseph

Flash:Taga saan Provencia ka galing?

Boxer:Iloilo po!

Flash:Filipino ka?

Boxer:Hindi po! Ilonggo ko yah...

sabi ni Flash tarantado pala ito hindi pa nga nag boxing sira na ulo...

hahaha!!!

[Bestman]

Mother: ay ano ba yan joyce, 18 years old ka pa lang pero malala na ang almuranas mo!!!!

Joyce: Kasi po ang boyfriend ko nay, gusto nya virgin pako bago kami ikasal!!!!

The peanut.
LITTLE GIRL :- Mommy, I just found out that our

neighbor's son has a ***** like a peanut.

MOM :- You mean it's small.

LITTLE GIRL :- No, it's salty.
=========
Don’t stop
MUM:- Didn't I tell you that if a guy touches

your BOOBS, say DON'T and if

he touches your ***** say STOP?

GIRL :- But mum, he touched both so I said DON'T STOP.

A boy saw his father (again?) sucking the nipples of his mother asked: " Dad, ano ginagawa nyo?"
Daddy: Eh, anak tinitikman ko lang ang gatas ng Mommy mo kung pwede na ba ang lasa para sa baby natin.

Boy: Ah, ganun ba dad. Bakit PANIS na ba yung ke YAYA?
HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib, approved
agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana ang 'bird' mo para may dagdag -
disability benefits.
Isa pa.

Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
A man wanted to buy bra for his wife but doesn't know the size.
Salesgirl ask : " Is it as big as papaya ? "
Man replied : " No "
Salesgirl : " an apple "
Man : " No "
Salesgirl : " ahh..an egg ? "
Man : " YES , but fried ! "
Kabayo at Prinsesa

HORSE : Mahal na prinsesa ako'y dating prinsipe na isinumpa.
PRINSESA: Ha! Kapag ba hinalikan kita e babalik ka sa pagiging prinsipe?
HORSE : Malakas ang sumpa ...... kailangan ay chupa!
HOST: Miss Philippines, What's your stand on pre marital sex?

Miss Philippines: Ladies and gentlemen, the question is very easy. I do not stand, I lay down. Tank you!!!
Misis 1: Suko nako sa mister ko, lagi na lang akong binubugbog bago niroromansa.
Misis 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko, binugbog ako tapos si INDAY ang niroromansa!!!
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
AFTER THE WEDDING:

Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka! Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo kagabi si mama!

Nanay: Unsa may imong trabaho sa japan?

Anak: Naa ko sa Pakitbel nay!

Nanay: Kanang parehas sa smart ug globe?

Anak: Dili nay pakitbel ba. PAKITA BELAT sa customer!!!!

Patient: Doc, I have a problem..but promise you won't laugh(drops his pants & show the tiniest pen!s ever).
Doc trying not to laugh: Ok what's the problem?
Patient: Namamaga po eh!

Pagod daw...
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Cge ka, pag ayaw mo maghahanap ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Cge, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
May dalawang kambal na baby ang nag-aaway.
KAMBAL 1: Bakit lagi mo na lang ako inuubusan ng gatas ni nanay?
KAMBAL 2: Ok, kung gusto mo ako sa kanan dedede ikaw sa kaliwa dedede kay Nanay , total dalawa naman nyan e.

KAMBAL 1: O sige payag ako.

Kinahapunan dahil sa gustong ma-solo ni KAMBAL2 ang gatas ng ina ay nilagyan niya ng lason ang kaliwang utong, para malason ang kanyang kakambal.
Ngunit kina-umagahan laging gulat ng nya, ng ang kanyang ama ang patay at bumubula ang bibig.
DALAGA NA DAW
Isang araw nagtatakbo pauwi ang anak sa bahay...

ANAK: NANAY! NANAY! DALAGA NAKO

NANAY: ((WALANG KIBO)) HMMM..

ANAK: NANAY!!! ISA NA KONG DALAGA!!! SA WAKAS!!!

NANAY: BAKIT MO NASABI YAN ANAK...

ANAK:KASI NANAY NAGKAROON NAKO NG MENSTRUATION (natutuwang sabi ng anak)

NANAY: ABER..KUNG NAGKAROON KA NA..ANO NAKITA MO?

ANAK: MEDYO BROWN...MEDYO MALAPOT-LAPOT AT MALAGKIT

NANAY: LECHENG AMBISYOSANG BAKLA KA!!! MAGHUGAS KA NG PWET MO, LBM yan!

Si Boy bisaya pumunta ng Maynila para maghanap ng magandang kinabukasan... Mabait naman ang pinsan niya sa Maynila na kanyang tinutuluyan... Ang problema lang, ay walang kubeta sa bahay nito...
Isang araw, tumae itong si Boy... At tulad ng payo ng kanyang pinsan, binalot niya sa d'yaryo ang kanyang ebaks para itapon sa basura... Habang naglalakad itong si Boy para itapon 'yung dala niya, napadaan siya sa isang malaking umpukan ng mga tao... Noon, ay malapit na ang halalan... Ang kandidato para sa pagka meyor ang nagsasalita sa pagkakataong 'yon...

Kandidato : Kung ako ang mahalal bilang alkalde ng Maynila, susugpuin ko ang corruption... Kahit ultimong timbangan sa palengke, aayusin ko para maging tama sa timbang ang mga pinamimili n'yo...(napalingon ito kay Boy). Ah iho, mukhang may nabili ka, halika't tingnan natin kung tama ang timbang...Ayaw sanang lumapit si Boy, pero pinilit s'ya ng mga bodyguards...

Nang binuksan ng kandidato ang supot na dala ni Boy, nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata at diring-diri ito dahil sa nakitang ebaks... Sa isang senyas ng kandidato, dinala si Boy ng mga bodyguards sa isang maliit na eskinita at ito'y walang awang binugbog...

Umuwi si Boy na umiiyak:

Pinsan :Bakit ka umiiyak pinsan at bakit puro black-eye 'yang mga mata mo???

Boy : Ayaw ko na dito 'insan uuwi na ako sa probins'ya...

Pinsan : Eh, bakit nga???

Boy : Dito pala sa Maynila, pag wala palang isang kilo ang tae mo, binubugbog ka pala...
________________

[Bestman]

_MISS GAY PAGEANT

Merong contest ng mga bakla at nasa question and answer na sila.

MC: Whats your favorite color and why?

Contestant #1: White because it symbolizes purity.

(Audience clapped)

MC: ok cont #2. What's your favorite color and why?

Contestant #2: Red because it symbolizes humility.

(Audience clapped)

MC: ok last contestant. what is your favorite color and why?

Contestant #3: Blue.........blue for bluejob!!!


May dalawang magkumare na pumunta sa palengke.

Mare 1: Alam mo, Mare kapag nakikita ko ang patatas naalala ko ang balls ng Mister ko. (hawak ang patatas)

Mare 2: Ibig mong sabihin, ganyan kalaki ang balls ni Pare.

Mare 1: Hindi, ganyan karumi.
 Registered nurse si Bebeng sa L.A. Kasama niya ang

> kanyang ina na

> > nagpagamot doon. Namatay ang ina nito. Dahil sa

> kamahalan ng pamasahe

> pabalik sa Pilipinas, nagtipid si Bebeng. Pinauwi na lang niya ang

> kabaong ng kanyang ina na mag-isa.

> >

> > Pagdating ng kabaong, napansin ng mga kapamilya

> niya na nakadikit ang

> > mukha ng ina sa salamin ng ataul. Nagkomento tuloy

> and isang anak,

> "Ay,

> > naku! Tingnan mo 'yan... hindi sila marunong

> mag-ayos ng bangkay sa

> > Amerika! Nakudrado tuloy ang mukha ng inay."

> >

> > Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang

> kabaong. Aba!

> > May sulat na-nakastaple sa dibdib ng ina. Kinuha

> nila ito at binasa.

> > Ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Bebeng:

> >

> > Mahal kong tatay at mga kapatid:

> > Pasensya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang nanay

> sa pag-uwi riyan sa

> > Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. "Ang

> gastos ko pa lang sa

> > kanya ay mahigit $10,000 na. Ayoko nang isipin pa

> ang eksaktong

> halaga.

> > Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni nanay ang mga

> sumusunod...

> > Nasa likod ni nanay ang dalawampu't apat na

> karnenorte at isang

> > dosenang spam. Ang adidas na suot ni nanay ay para

> kay tatay. Ang

> > limang pares ng de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang

> asul na Jansport na

> > backpack na inuunan ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo. Ang

> iba't-ibang klase ng

> > tsokolate at candy ay nasa puwetan ni nanay. Para

> sa mga bata ito.

> > Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana'y hindi

> natunaw. Ang pokemon

> > stuffed toy na yapos-yapos ni nanay ay para sa

> bunso ni ate. Gift ko

> sa

> > first birthday ng bata. Ang itim na Esprit bag ay

> para kay Nene.

> >

> > Ate, nasa loob ng bag ang pictures ni inay,

> japanese version ng

> pokemon

> > trading cards at stickers. "Suot ni nanay ang

> tatlong Ralph Lauren,

> apat na

> > Gap at dalawang Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para

> kay Kuya at

> tig-iisa

> > ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan

> sa fiesta.

> >

> > Suot din ni inay ang anim na panty hose at tatlong

> warmer para sa mga

> > dalaga kong pamangkin. Isuot nyo sa party. May

> isang dosenang NBA caps

>

> > sa may paanan ni nanay. Para sa inyo, itay, kuya,

> dikong, Tiyo Romy.

> > Bigyan nyo na rin ng tig-isa 'yung mga pamangkin

> ko at 'yong isa ay

> > kay Pareng Tulume. Ang tigdadalawang pares ng Nike

> wristband at knee

> > caps na suot-suot din ni nanay ay para sa mga anak

> mo, diko, na

> > nagbabasketball. Tigdadalawang ream ng Marlboro

> lights at Winston red

> > ang nasa pagitan ng mga hita ni nanay.

> >

> > Apat na jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang

> dishwashing liquid,

> isang

> > Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aqua

> Fresh ang

> nakasiksik

> > sa kilikili ni nanay. Hati-hati na kayo, huwag

> mag-aagawan. Isang

> dosenang

> > Wonder bra na gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iska,

> suot-suot din ni nanay. Alam

>

> > kong inaasam-asam nyo 'yan, tiya. anim na lipstick

> lang ang kasya sa

> bra.

> > Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin mo tatay, suot-suot ni

> nanay. Nakatakip sa

> Nike

> > na wristband. Kunin mo agad, Itay. May isinisik

> akong zip-loc sa

> bunganga

> > ni Inay na naglalaman ng 759 dollars. Hindi na ako

> nakatakbo sa ATM.

> Puede

> > na siguro sa libing iyon. Iyong tong na

> makokolekta, i-time deposit

> niyo Kuya

> > para pag namatay si Tatay may pambili na ng

> ataul.Ang hikaw, singsing

> > at kuwintas (na may nakakabit pang anim na nail

> cutters) na

> gustong-gusto

> > mo, ditse, ay suot suot din ni nanay. Kunin mo na

> rin agad, ditse.

> Ibigay mo

> > ang isang nailcutter kay Jay bakla sa kanto.

> Tanggalin niyo ang bulak

> sa ilong

> > ng inay, may isiniksik ako 3 diyamante bawat

> butas. Ibangon niyo lang

> si inay

> > at tiyak na malalaglag na ang mga iyon. Konting

> alog lang siguro ng

> ulo.

> >

> > Isang Ray Ban ladies sunglass na pabirthday ko kay

> Ninang Berta, hindi

>

> > ko na pinasuot kay nanay. Isiniksik ko na lang sa

> may bandang ulunan >

>

> > ni nanay. Nasa pink na plastik na maliit. "Mga

> Chanel at Champion na

> > medyas, suot suot din ni nanay. Tig-iisa kayo, mga

> pamangkin ko.

> > Mga pampers, panty liners, cotton buds, cotton

> balls, table napkins

> > at mga scotch brite na may foam ay natatakpan ng

> mga

> > puting bath towels...'yon bale ang pinangkutson ko

> sa kabaong ni

> > nanay. Marami rami rin iyon. Parte-parte rin

> kayo."Marami pa akong

> > ipinagsisiksik kung saan-saang parte gaya ng cafe,

> coffee creamer,

> > ilang vienna sausage na de lata, barbie dolls,

> toothbrush, paper

> > cups, plastic spoons and forks, paper at styrofoam

> plates, perfume,

> cologne,

> > ballpens, stationeries, envelopes, bar soaps,

> match box toys, used

> t-shirts,

> > hand towels, CD. VHS tapes, padlock, tools gaya ng

> screw driver,

> plais,

> > long nose, atbp. Na hindi ko na na itemize dahil

> nagmamadali ako at

> > graveyard shift ako ngayon.

> >

> > Marami pa sana akong ipaglalalagay kaya lang, baka

> mag-excess at si

> > nanay pa ang maiwan. Basta parte-parte kayo,

> tatay, kuya, ate, dikong,

>

> > ditse. Para sa inyo lahat ito. Bahala na kayo kay

> nanay. Pamimisahan

> ko

> > na lang siya rito. Balitaan ninyo na lang ako

> pagkatapos ng libing.

> Alam ni

> > ate ang email ko. Paki-double check ang lista kung

> walang nawala sa

> mga

> > ipinadala ko. Nagmamahal, Bebeng

> >

> > P.S. Pakibihisan ninyo agad si Nanay! Sa takip

> pala ng kabaong sa may

> > paanan, tis-tisin niyo ang tahi ng pulang sinulid

> at may isinisik

> > akong mga nail polish at nipper para kay Mareng

> Ana sa ibayo. May

> > mga tuwalyang puti. Iyong markang Days Inn para

> kay kuya, Holiday

> > Inn kay ditse, Econolodge kay ate, La Quinta kay

> dikong, yung

> > Mandalay Bay para kay itay. Mag-iipon na lang uli

> ako pag punta

> > namin sa Las Vegas.

> >

> >

> > Thanks



Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly.

"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent.. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, " relax, let the poison
work."
CAKE OR BED

A husband is at home watching a footbal game when
his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light at
the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the lights now?
Does it look like I have G.E. logo printed on my
forehead? I don't think so."

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge
door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it
look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my
forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine", to which she says "could you at least fix
the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

The husband yelled, "I'm not a damn carpenter and I
don't want to fix steps. Does it look like I have ACE
HARDWARE written on my forehead. I don't think so."

The husband left and went to the bar instead. After a
couple of hours, he felt guilty about how he treated his
wife and decided to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are
already fixed. He sees the hall light is working. As he
gets to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is now fixed.

"Honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well when you left i sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong.
And I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I
had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

The husband asked: " So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

The wife replied: " Hellooooo. Do you see GOLDILOCKS
written on my forehead? I don't think so."
GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We will never forget you!'
Weight Loss Program

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so! close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

Sa isang maliit na bayan, mayro'ng isang maliit na kumbento... At ang nakatira nito ay iilang madre at pari... Iisa lang ang banyo nito, kaya pinatutupad ang "first come first serve basis"... Ngunit isang araw, darating ang obispo kaya lahat ay nagmamadali... Isang madre at isang pari ang magkasabay na dumating sa banyo...

Pari : Sister, sabay-sabay tayong dumating dito ah, sino ba mauna sa atin???

Madre : Kung gusto mo father, sabay na lang tayong maligo, total wala namang ,malisya sa atin di ba?

At magkasabay na naligo ang dalawa... Sa umpisa, ay walang malisya hanggang itong si sister ay hindi nakapagpigil...

Sister : Father, Ano 'yan??? Itinuro ang ari ng Pari...

Father : Ahh ito? Kuwan eh patay etoh... At ano naman iyan??? Itinuro naman ng pari ang ari ng madre...

Sister : Ahh ehh, libingan toh father..

Father : Shister, huwag na tayong maglokohan, alam naman natin 'to eh...

At naganap ang hindi dapat maganap... Nag Jer-Jer ang dalawa...Pero hindi nila alam na matagal na pala sa kesame ang sakristan (nagsariling sikap ito... )... Sa kasamaang palad bumigay ang marupok ng kesame at nahulog ito...

Father & Sister (halos magkasabay) Poldo!!! A-anong ginagawa mo dito???

Poldo : He he makikipaglibing lang po...

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it's a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces.
_____

Host : What is yo ur best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.
_____


Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contestant : If others can't why, why can't I!
_____

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.
Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!
_____


Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?"
Contestant : That's a very good question. Keep it up.
_____


Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge.... 23 years old.
_____

Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!
_____

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I'll be 28.
_____


Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!
_____

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I'm proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!
_____

Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!
_____

Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant : Testicles!
_____

Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn't make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk???
Pinoy ringing up an office in Melbourne.

Office: Good morning! Can i help you?


Pinoy: eh.....hello...eh.. is this the wrong number???!

hahaha....whaat???

[Bestman]

Pinoys' Favorite Food:
THIS WAS POSTED IN ONE RESTAURANT NEAR NAIA AIRPORT ,
so, maybe next time you are around the area, you may
as well dine-in there, and check out their menu; AS
YOU GO ON, IT'S BECOMING INTERESTING AND MORE
FLAVORFUL!!! (this is based on true facts...)

1. TAPSILOG - Tapa, Sinangag, Itlog

2. LONGSILOG - Longganisa, Sinangag, Itlog

3. HOTSILOG - Hotdog, Sinangag, Itlog

4. PORKSILOG - Pork, Sinangag, Itlog

5. CHICKSILOG - Chicken, Sinangag Itlog

6. AZUCARERA - Adobong Aso

7. LUGLOG - Lugaw, Itlog

8. PAKAPLOG - Pandesal, Kape, Itlog

9. KALOG - Kanin, Itlog

10. PAKALOG - Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog

11. MAALOG NA BETLOG - Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog

12. BAHAW - Bakang Inihaw (akala ninyo kaning lamig
ano)

13. KALKAL - Kalderetang Kalabaw

14. HIMAS - Hipon Malasado

15. HIMAS SUSO - Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso

16. HIMAS PEKPEK - Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan

17. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI - Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo,
Malasado, Laing, Kilawin

18. DILA - Dinuguan, Laing

19. DILAAN MO - Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo

20. BOKA BOKA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape

21. BOKA BOKA MO PA - Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape,
Molong Pancit

22. KANTOT - Kanin, Tortang Talong

23. KANTOT PA - Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit

24. SIGE KANTOT PA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin, Tortang
Talong, Pancit
25. SIGE KANTOT PA IBAON MO - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Pancit - Take out

26. SIGE KANTOT PA HA - Sinigang na Pige, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Pancit, Halo-halo

27. SIGE KANTOT PAIBAON MO PAPA - Sinigang na Pige,
Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit... Take out with Ketchup


28. PAKANTOT - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong

29. PAPAKANTOT - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang Talong

30. PAPAKANTOT KA BA - Papaitan, Kanin, Tortang
Talong, Kapeng Barako

31. PAKANTOT SA YO - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,
Saging + Yosi

32. PAKANTOT KA - Pandesal, Kanin, Tortang Talong,
Kape

33. PAKANTOT KA HABANG MATIGAS PA - Pandesal, Kanin,
Tortang Talong, Kape, Inihaw na Bangus, Maruya,
Tinola, Ginisang Aso, Pancit

34. SUBO - Sugpo, Bopis

35. SUBO MO - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo

36. SUBO MO PA - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit

37. SUBO MO PA MAIGE - Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Mais, Pige

38. SUBO MO TITE KO - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola, Teryaki,
Kochinta

39. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS - Sugpo, Bopis, Tinola
Teryaki, Kochinta, Bihon, Tawilis

40. SUBO MO TITE KO BILIS, HAYOP! - ...same as #39,
minura mo lang yung waiter kasi ang tagal ng order.

ERAP: Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Hindi kami susuko pag hindi mo naispell ang CEASEFIRE!
ERAP: Tangina niyo! Tuloy ang giyera!
DONYA: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais
empunto!
KATULONG: Walang problema, donya. Kapag tulog pa ako ng ganung oras, mauna
na kayong mag almusal!

APO: Lolo kumain ho kayo kahit dalawang kutsara lng..
LOLO: Mga sira pala kayo?! Lugaw nga, nde ko malunok! Kutsara pa kaya!

PULIS: Sino nakasaksi sa aksidente?
LASENG: Ako sir! Kulay itim na van ang nakabangga!
PULIS: Nakuha mo ba ang plate number?
LASING: Nde sir, nakaturnilyo eh.
>>>>Ano daw ang difference ni Prince Charles At Kulangot! - Si Prince
>>>>Charles ay
>>>>"heir to the throne" while ang Kulangot ay "Thrown to the Air".
>>>>
>>>>Bakit malungkot ang kalendaryo? - Kasi bilang na ang araw niya.
>>>>Eh bakit masuwerte naman ang kalendaryo? - Dahil marami siyang
>>>>date.
>>>>
>>>>Grabe talaga ang mga iba diyan. Mahirap intindihin..... sa kanila
>>>>ang
>>>>malambot "SUP", ang sabaw "SUP", ang
sabon "SUP" pa rin.
>>>>
>>>>How should COFFEE and your BOYFRIEND be alike?
>>>>1) He has to be rich
>>>>2) He has to be hot
>>>>3) He has to keep you up all night!
>>>>
>>>ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
>>>>ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo
>>>>kakain ng
>>>>luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
>>>>
>>>>What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a

>>>>wooden
>>>>chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!!
>>>>
>>>>This is a Filipino making a long distance phone call....
>>>>Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
>>>>Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
>>>>Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
>>>>Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
>>>>Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
>>>>Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio
>>>>Abanquel.
>>>>Sori and tenkyu.
>>>>Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling
>>>>phonetically.
>>>>Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
>>>>Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a
>>>>letter at
a
>>>>time and citing a word for each letter.
>>>>Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio
>>>>Abanquel. I
>>>>will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in
>>>>lpidio, p
>>>>as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in
>>>>o.
>>>>Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
>>>>Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in
>>>>Because, A
>>>>as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe,
>>>>E as in
>>>>important, and L as in elephant.
>>>>
>>>>This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
>>>>Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
>>>>Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
>>>>Waiter:
What would you like for your breakfast?
>>>>Pinoy: Hameneggs.
>>>>Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
>>>>Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
>>>>Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
>>>>Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
>>>>Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your
>>>>eggs...fried?
>>>>poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
>>>>Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard
>>>>boiled or sop
>>>>boiled.
>>>>Waiter: And what bread would you like?
>>>>Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
>>>>Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole
>>>>wheat? toast?
>>>>Pinoy: Pan Americano
>>>>Waiter: We don't have that.
>>>>Pinoy: Okey, gib me
taystee.
>>>>Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
>>>>Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
>>>>Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last
>>>>time, what
>>>>would you like for breakfast?
>>>>Pinoy: Donut plis....
>>>>
>>>>Two married men talking...
>>>>1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
>>>>2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.>
>>>>
>>>>Anak : Tays ! kakains nas tayos !
>>>>Tatay : Hoy ! Tigilan mo yang
kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi
>>>>mo ha !
>>>>Ano ba ang ulam ?
>>>>Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !
>>>>
>>>>BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng " cooling place " ?
>>>>BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihin mo " Hilow, hus cooling
>>>>place?
>>>>
>>>>Girl 1 : Halata na tiyan mo, bakit di pa kayo magpakasal ng BF
>>>>mo?
>>>>Girl 2 : Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh !
>>>>Girl 1 : Sino may ayaw, tatay o
nanay niya ?
>>>>Girl 2 : yung misis niya !
>>>>
>>>>A Filipino, a Black man, and a White guy are in a bar having a
>>>>drink.
>>>>When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use
>>>>the words
>>>>'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for
>>>>tonight."
>>>>So the White guy says "I love liver and cheese."
>>>>She says "That's not good enough"
>>>>The Black man says "I hate liver and cheese"
>>>>She says "That's not creative"
>>>>Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"
>>>>
>>>>How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
>>>>Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
>>>>If the cat likes
it...rat!
>>>>If it doesn't...cat!
>>>>If it runs...dog!
>>>>
>>>>What's the difference between corruption in the USA and
>>>>corruption in the
>>>>Philippines?
>>>>
>>>>In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US!
>>>>
>>>>Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
>>>>Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
>>>>Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
>>>>Pag Kano - credit card!
>>>>E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!
>>>>
>>>>Lulubog na ang barko..
>>>>PARI: San Pedro, San Jose...
>>>>MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
>>>>INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo
PANAWAGAN SA RADYO :

Mrs : Sir, pwede po ako manawagan sa aking asawa sa radyo, dinala nya ang lima kong mga anak

Announcer : Go ahead, Mrs.

Mrs : Hoy, ulol ! Isa-uli mo yang mga bata! Isa lang ang sa inyo dyan ! Ang kapal ng mukha mo !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------+

Mekaniko : Sir, di ko po naayos ang preno ng sasakyan mo.

Customer : Paano yan ngayon ?

Mekaniko : Okey lang po sir, nilakasan ko po ang busina !

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PATIENTE: Dok, bakit sasakit ang dibdib ko pag iinom ako ng coke? Pero pag libre, di naman po sasakit?

DOK : Ah, alam ko na. Mainipis na ang baga nyo, pero makapal na ang mukha nyo !!!

+-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Empleyado : Boss, namatay po ang manager natin, pwede po ba akong pumalit sa kanyang pwesto ?

Boss : Pwede, pero di ako sigurado kung okay ang taga funeraria .
Frat meeting...
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!



Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!



Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? susmaryosep! kaninong pwet ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!



Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?
Pedro: Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.
Hari: Mga kawal! ilabas si Jolibee!



Parishioner:Father bakit may nakasampay na daster, bra at panty sa may kumbento? may asawa ka?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap ako ng labada!



GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN MO NA!!


Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako?
Beef Lucky Me!

Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?"

Lucky Me Mami!

Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?"

Lucky Me with Egg!



Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Here , take this calamansi.
Nun: will then ease d pain?
Mother Superior: Gaga! sipsipin mo! ng mawala -wala ngiti sa mukha mo!!!





Nay? bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay mo...
Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga Luneta at baka mapalo kita! tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo!





a mental patient is singing while lying on a hospital bed.
after a song dumapa sya
the nurse asked...
"O, bakit ka bumaliktad?"
he answered:
"Addict ka ba?! Side B na kaya!"



Sabi Airforce: "No Guts No Glory!"
Sabi Marines: "No Retreat No Surrender!"
Sabi Army: "No Pain, No Gain!"
naks! ayaw patalo
Pinoy Security Guards: "No I.D. No Entry!"





HONEYMOON:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I'm still a virgin
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: ah ganon ba? Aray pala



Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M pag Girl
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIB HER ANADER CHANS ha?



BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital):
Hello... may tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, Bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga ako!



Misis: lolokohin ko mister ko, magpapanggap ako na prosti dito sa kanto namin
(dumaan ang mister nya...)
Misis: Pogi! available ako ngayon, pwede ka ba?
Mister: Yoko sayo kamukha mo misis ko!



FACT: did you know that those people who laugh with "hehe" loves sex and people who laugh with "haha" are intelligent?
..wala lang, just to let you know. hehe...
Ay, haha pala!



Maid: Sir sinong mas yummy? si mam ba o ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw day! bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh... sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw talaga si mam!




A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar...
Spielberg hit the chinese...
Chinese: why you hit me?
Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my father died there.
Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese, stupid!
Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese... all the same!
.. chinese punched Spielberg

Spielberg: why you hit me too?
Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.
Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, you fool!
Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you are all the same!!



Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto mga gud partner
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!



American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul..



Biyaya na makukuha sa Gulay:
AMPALAYA, pampapula ng dugo KALABASA pampalinaw ng mata TALONG pampatirik ng mata MANI pampatirik ng TALONG. Ay! nalito na ako.



Wife: Dear, ano reglamo mo sa 25th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Dalhin kita sa Africa...
Wife: Wow! How sweet naman... eh! sa 50th Anniversary natin?
Husband: Susunduin na kita!



Quote for the Day
Ang Buhay ay parang bato

.

.

.

It's Hard.





A Husband came home 4AM and saw his wife in bed with another man
His wife shouted at him,
"Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"



Ellen: eto nga ung joke: sa story of adam and eve... sabi ng ibang lahi... definitely daw hindi pinoy si eba at adan...dahil kung pinoy daw, hindi nun kakainin ung apple...ahas daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!





Pasikatan ng Graduates
UP: Many past president graduated from our school; Roxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, just to name a few
Ateneo: That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes: Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
La Salle: Wala yan! Talo yan sa mga Graduates namin!
UP and Ateneo: Bakit? sino ba ang graduates nyo?
La Salle: Aba marami kaming sikat na graduates: si Gary Valenciano, Dindong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid at Monsour Del Rosario




BUS HINOLDAP!

Holdaper: re-reypin ko lahat ng babae dito!
Prosti: ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! sasagot pa! gagang 'to!




Dalawang probinsyano sumakay sa elevator
Gorio: magkano ibabayad natin?
Andoy: tanga! inosente! bugok! stupid! bat ka magbabayad eh wala
pa tayong tiket!




Pedro bumps a foreigner
Pedro: ay sori
Foreigner: sorry too
Pedro: sori 3
Foreigner: what are you sorry for?
Pedro: (kala mo bobo ako ha!) sori 5
Foreigner: i think you are sick!
Pedro: hahahaha! sick daw, seven sunod!




Love is a hidden fire,
a pleasant sore,
a soothing pain,
an agreeable torment,
a sweet wound,
in short - a gentle death!
ang lalim! shet!
dati
Love is blind lang eh!




Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo problema ko... ano problema natin?
Mister: nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang ama!




Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo, Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala kaming sasakyan!




Bakla at Macho nagkasabay sa CR...
Bakla: Ang laki naman nyan sayo...
Macho: Wala na tong silbi kasi iniwan na ako ng GF ko... puputulin ko na lang at ipapakain sa aso!
Bakla: aw! aw! aw!




Kapag may kaaway ka,
tandaan mo...
dito lang ako...
dito lang talaga ako...
tapos dyan ka lang,
wag kang pupunta dito!
baka madamay ako!





Ngayong Gabi...

.

.

Wala lang hayaan mo lang gumabi...

.

.

Pag inantok ka matulog ka na

.

Alangan naman magpa cute ka pa e gabi na!





Anak: Itay, bibili ako ng b o nd paper

Itay: Anak, wag kang bobo ha? hindi "b o nd paper" ang tawag dun!

Anak: Ano po ba?

Itay: "Kokongban"





Women are physically stronger than men...
Why?
Because women can carry two mountains at a time!
while men can carry only two eggs...
Take Note!
with the help of a bird pa!



4 kinds of "Utot"

1. Long but Harmless

2. Loud and Proud

3. Silent but Violent

4. Wet and Wild





Ang buhay parang gulong...

.

.

Wala parang gulong lang...

Gusto mo parang bubong?... e di sige

Ang buhay parang bubong...




Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to urinate along the fence...
Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang papansinin mo pa...
Madre: No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki!




Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?

Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot And Friends?




Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl3: I'm going out with Chu c k to...
Dad: Ah, Hinde! Dito ka lang sa bahay!!!





Alam mo ba kung bakit may sabaw ang balot?
Kung Ikaw kaya ang ikulong sa shell... saan ka ji-jingle?
Aber?
Saan??
Sumagot kaaaa!!!
SaaaAANNNNNNN ?!?!?!




Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na, "ano ang plano mong itanim sa sakahan mo anak?"
Anak: flowers papa! lots of Bongacious Flowers!!



Ama: Hoy! Huwag kang babakla bakla ha?
Anak: Hindi po Itay, pupunta nga ako ng basketbolan eh!
Ama: Yan! Astig!
Anak: Inay? nakita mo yung POMPOMS ko?
Ina: Alin? yung pink?



Mommy 1: Ano ang pinapainom mo sa baby mo?
Mommy2: Promil para Matatag na Pangarap! eh ikaw?
Mommy3: Ako? Emperador, sa Totoong Tagumpay!



Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!






Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"





Bisaya 1: " Gara ng kutsi, siguro kay Miyur iyan."!

Bisaya 2: " Dili bay!"

Bisaya 1: " Kay Hipi?"

Bisaya 2: " Tuntu ka man. Kay FATHER iyan. Gisulat niya sa likud o,"'SAFARI'."





WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL",
Kaya ito uwi agad ako.



Sino mas kawawa? yung taong iniwan ng mahal nya?
o mga taong nagmamahal ng walang gusto sa kanya?
pareho lang di ba?
pero mas kawawa yung taong...
bihis na bihis na tapos...
hindi naman pala kasama !?!
NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang
bilangin?
ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay,kasi narinig ko minsan
sabi, "tama na inday,

hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."

********************************

[Je]

Wow. What a huge collection you got here. Thanks.