dhabuh
09-27-2006, 02:16 AM
Recent Quips from Late Night
"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno
"NBC News was also marking the anniversary [of Hurricane Katrina], but they had to settle for lesser celebrity guests, like this guy who took some time from a tour of New Orleans to tell Brian Williams about all the reading he's been doing this summer [on screen: President Bush saying he's read 'three Shakespeare's' this summer]. The point is that he read three Shakespeare's this summer and that's a great way to kick off eight grade" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She's wearing a microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged. What's the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of a George W. Bush speech -- who hasn't done that?" --David Letterman
"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon border. I bet Israel's breathing a sigh of relief there. Nothing makes Jewish people feel safer and more secure than the German Army marching on their border." --Jay Leno
"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
Handicapped Parking
You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:
- I don't read good.
- I suffer from terminal laziness.
- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?
- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.
- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.
- Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!
- My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.
- I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?
- I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego.
Ice Cream Flavors
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
For The Kids...
How is the witches team doing?
They're having a spell in the first division!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for two hours!
What do you call a skeleton that is always telling lies?
A boney phoney!
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to work in the evening?
"Have a nice bite"!
Why did the ghost go to the funfair?
He wanted to go on a rollerghoster!
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand!
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days!
"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno
"NBC News was also marking the anniversary [of Hurricane Katrina], but they had to settle for lesser celebrity guests, like this guy who took some time from a tour of New Orleans to tell Brian Williams about all the reading he's been doing this summer [on screen: President Bush saying he's read 'three Shakespeare's' this summer]. The point is that he read three Shakespeare's this summer and that's a great way to kick off eight grade" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She's wearing a microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged. What's the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of a George W. Bush speech -- who hasn't done that?" --David Letterman
"Yesterday the president of Iran challenged President Bush to a televised debate. President Bush turned down the debate, but did challenge the Iranian president to a game of 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Germany has offered to send troops to the Lebanon border. I bet Israel's breathing a sigh of relief there. Nothing makes Jewish people feel safer and more secure than the German Army marching on their border." --Jay Leno
"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass." --Conan O'Brien
Handicapped Parking
You are parked in a space clearly designated for disabled persons. Please circle the statement which best describes your handicap:
- I don't read good.
- I suffer from terminal laziness.
- I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?
- My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.
- My shoes are too expensive to walk in.
- Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!
- My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.
- I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?
- I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego.
Ice Cream Flavors
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
For The Kids...
How is the witches team doing?
They're having a spell in the first division!
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting for two hours!
What do you call a skeleton that is always telling lies?
A boney phoney!
What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he goes out to work in the evening?
"Have a nice bite"!
Why did the ghost go to the funfair?
He wanted to go on a rollerghoster!
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give them a hand!
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days!