dhabuh
09-10-2006, 05:13 AM
Recent Quips From Late Night
"On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20." --Jay Leno
"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien
Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman lost his party's nomination for the U.S. Senate. Like the statesman he is, the senator went out with dignity -- by not going out at all. He's running as what he calls an Independent Democrat. Bravo, Senator. Never give up. Make them pry the key to the Senate wash room from your cold, dead hands. Joe, it's not your own future you're fighting for. You're fighting for the future of America." --Stephen Colbert
"Officials say these terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means? Even terrorists won't fly Southwest." --Jay Leno
"President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them ... President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president an come up with a bad idea at any level." --Conan O'Brien
"Apparently the Dixie Chicks had to cancel 14 shows on their tour, because of slow ticket sales. There's some concern they're losing their fan base. How ironic is that? They finally have something in common with President Bush." --Jay Leno
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Temperence Lecture
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.
The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
For the Kids...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
B2
B2 who?
B2 school on time!
"On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20." --Jay Leno
"The big story still is the big terror plot foiled in Britain. Earlier today, a top official in England said, 'Britain is living through its most frightening time since the second World War.' Of course, he wasn't counting that three-year run by the Spice Girls." --Conan O'Brien
Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman lost his party's nomination for the U.S. Senate. Like the statesman he is, the senator went out with dignity -- by not going out at all. He's running as what he calls an Independent Democrat. Bravo, Senator. Never give up. Make them pry the key to the Senate wash room from your cold, dead hands. Joe, it's not your own future you're fighting for. You're fighting for the future of America." --Stephen Colbert
"Officials say these terrorists targeted United, American and Continental airlines. You know what that means? Even terrorists won't fly Southwest." --Jay Leno
"President Bush, of course, is responding to the crisis. He's on vacation. That's his plan. He'll show them ... President Bush is on vacation in Texas right now. This is true. He's urging his staff to join the 100-degree club by running three miles in 100-degree heat. Experts say it's proof that the president an come up with a bad idea at any level." --Conan O'Brien
"Apparently the Dixie Chicks had to cancel 14 shows on their tour, because of slow ticket sales. There's some concern they're losing their fan base. How ironic is that? They finally have something in common with President Bush." --Jay Leno
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"
A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
Temperence Lecture
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner.
The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
For the Kids...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
B2
B2 who?
B2 school on time!