ph02117
08-10-2006, 05:29 AM
Joke #1
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."
So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."
The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."
Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."
The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"
Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"
Joke #2
Q. Why do women have boobs?
A. So we have something to look at while we are talking to
them!!!
Joke #4
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the Marine explained. "I went over, woke him up and gave him
a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."
Joke #5
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When
your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you
lose your child in a crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When
intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are
you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST -
When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you
argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you
steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns
everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When
the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -
What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When
all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you
write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST
- When you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - When your only
concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST -
When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE -
When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO
your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your
golf score.
Joke #6
A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was
all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was
with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"
She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one
question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I
think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
Joke #7
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband's sex drive.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires
as to how things went.
'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop.
It was terrible!
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but
I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
The story takes place in a Christian school. The teacher asks
the question, "What part of your body gets to heaven first?"
Three students raise their hand, Jenny, Jim, and little Johnny
in the back. The teacher thinks to herself, "I dont want to
call on Johnny cause he will say something bad."
So she picks on Jenny first who says, "I think your head gets
to heaven first cause you have to be smart."
The teacher then calls on Jim who says, "I think your heart
gets to heaven first cause you gotta have a good heart."
Finally Johnny is the only one with his hand up. The teacher
says to herself "Oh no, I gotta pick Johnny." She picks him and
he says, "I think your feet get to heaven first."
The relieved teacher asks him, "Why on earth do you think your
feet get to heaven first?"
Johnny says, "Cause I walked into my Mom and Dad's room last
night and my mom's feet were straight up in the air and she was
shouting 'Oh God I'm cummin'!'"
Joke #2
Q. Why do women have boobs?
A. So we have something to look at while we are talking to
them!!!
Joke #4
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel
room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in
adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd
be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the Marine explained. "I went over, woke him up and gave him
a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."
Joke #5
How do you know if you're in love, in lust, or really married?
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - When
your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - When you
lose your child in a crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love." LUST - When
intercourse is called "screwing." MARRIAGE - What the hell are
you talking about?
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have. LUST -
When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - When you
argue over money.
LOVE - When you share everything you own. LUST - When you
steal everything they own. MARRIAGE - When the bank owns
everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - When
the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE -
What's a climax?
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner. LUST - When
all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - When all you
write is checks.
LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings. LUST
- When you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - When your only
concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - When your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST -
When your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE -
When your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you
feel. LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do
it. MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your
partner. LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO
your partner. MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your
golf score.
Joke #6
A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was
all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was
with another woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy
that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"
She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.
"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband
claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one
question; are your urinals covered in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, - I
think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"
Joke #7
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive
her husband's sex drive.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin
for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he
won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me
know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires
as to how things went.
'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery
off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then
proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop.
It was terrible!
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but
I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'