Donation And Other Jokes!

[SABOG25]

DONATION IN THE CHURCH


a priest was having a hard time convincing the people to give a donation to
the church. so he got an idea when the next mass was held.

PRIEST: All those who wanted to give a donation to the church, please STAND when the organ start playing!

ok my child start playing now.

ORGANIST: Father what will i play?

PRIEST: NATIONAL ANTHEM, my child.

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ON MIDNIGHT MASS

a man was singing:


Aaylenay,
Olinay,
Olisam,
Olismray,
Ranyonmergin,
Manerenchay,
Oliimansotennernmay,
Sliminemenlimis,
Sliminemenlimis,

" SILENT NIGHT" ngo-ngo kasi yung kumakanta! (the singer was a harelip!)

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VOCABULARY LESSONS


TEACHER: What is an ANECDOTE?

STUDENT: Mam, anecdote is a short tale.

TEACHER: Very Good. Please use it in a sentence.

STUDENT: The small dog is wagging his "anecdote".

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ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY


After the annual office Chistmas party blow-out, ISKO woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the
events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in
front of him.

"ISKA," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad
as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a
complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior
management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," ISKA informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled ISKO.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

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CAN'T SLEEP


MRS.: Darling i can't sleep. let's have sex!

MR.: (dead tired after a days work) WTF! your pussy have another insomniac night?

MRS.: YES, please so i can sleep better. come on...

MR.: What do you think of my penis? Sleeping pills?

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CAN'T WAIT HUH?


TASYA: My husband just died. we cannot have sex today. i'm mourning.

TASYO: It's okay, my condom is black. now open your legs and let me offer my

deepest condolences!

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A CODE GIVEN BY A SHY GURL TO HER BOYFRIEND


(X35 P33N I hUJOH O5 W,I 35V37d 3W d73H)

please let's help the boyfriend, he's a little idiot.

can we crack the message?

No?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

Turn this page upside down. (careful with your neck)

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ADVICE FOR THE GIRLS

If somebody tells you " I Love You" and you want to prove if he is telling the truth?
Ask him: " What is the tagalog words for TOOTHPASTE?"
If he answer that correctly, then he's true to you!

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DAD'S SO SMART

Below could be any answer to what your kid may ask you the next time:

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable?
Dad (D) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose
with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy it more than men?
D : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more
comfort than your finger.
S : Why do women hate it when they get rape?
D : It is like when you are walking on the street and someone else comes
over and digs your nose, would you like it??
S : Why women cannot have sex when they are having menses?
D : If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it??
S : Why men do not like to wear condoms when they are making love?
D : Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger?
S : Woaaa . . Dad you are good.

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THREE NUNS


Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the
Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of
pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash".

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my"
gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes
in all of them" she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

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A husband and his wife have a quarrel.

WIFE: Your'e and IDIOT! a fucking IDIOT! I don't know anybody who is as

IDIOT as you!!

and maybe if there's a contest for the most IDIOT in the world,

you'll easily be the 2nd.!!!

HUSBAND: Aghast. Why second only???

WIFE: Because you're an IDIOT!!!!


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MY APOLOGIES TO THE ADMINS AND MODS!

this next joke is better said in tagalog.


sa isang bahay , pinagagalitan na naman ni tekla ang kanyang pasaway na anak!

TEKLA: Bwisit kang bata ka! hindi ka na ba titino?
puro sakit na lang ng ulo ang ibinibigay mo sa akin!!!
ANAK: Sori na po nanay hindi na po mauulit.

TEKLA: Puro ganyan na lang ang sinasabi mo! lagi mo namang ginagawa!
punong-puno na ako sa iyooo!!!

putris ka kung alam ko lang na lalaki kang ganyan kabugok,

sana, TSINUPA ko na lang ang tatay mo! bwisit!!!



:D :D :D

[dylan]

maraming salamatsss...

[dylan]

wala n bang madadagdag???

[SABOG25]

wala n bang madadagdag???


ok , here we go again!!!



Beer Goggles



Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax.

He noticed a man next to him ordering a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, it's time to head home!"


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Jew, Hindu, and a Lawyer


A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawer were all traveling together and it was getting dark and
they needed to find a place to stay.

Fortunately, they came across a farm house. The farmer, being the friendly country type, told them that they were welcome to spend the night but he had room for only two in the
house, the third would have to spend the night in the barn.

The Jew volunteered to sleep in the barn and went out to make himself a bed while
the other two went inside.

After a few minutes, there was a knock at the
door. It was the Jew. He explained that he was not aware that there was a pig in the barn and that there was no way he could sleep out there.

The Hindu decided that he would sleep in the barn and made his way out.
Of course, a couple of minutes later, there was another knock at the door. It was the Hindu. He went into a long speech about the cow in the
barn and what a sin it would be if he slept under the same roof as the cow.

Finally, the lawyer conceded that he would have to sleep in the barn and he started out in that direction.

A couple of minutes later, there was yet another knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.

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The Redheaded Lady


A young redhead lady goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"That's strange," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then pushes her ankle
and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor then asks, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde.."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".


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Just Like Dad


A bride on her wedding day gushes to her mother, "Mom, I've finally found a man that's just like Dad!"

Her mom says, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"


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HIDDEN COMPLIMENT



Shawn was sitting in his usual place at the table,
reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an
article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry
a football player known primarily for his lack of I.Q.
and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his
face and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest
jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."


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ALCOHOL



A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the
wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey
in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.
" Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
'Shall We Gather at the River'."


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TECHNIQUES



The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The
CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in
it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.The rabbit had it
coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly
beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'


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GUILTY



A police officer pulls over this guy who's been
weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to
the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to
blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really
bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station
to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do
that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk
this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

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BILLIONAIRE

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on
his library wall, so he called in an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said,
"I am a history buff, and I would like your
interpretation of the last thing that went through
Custer's mind before he died.

I am going out of town on business for a week,
and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library
to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found
a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this
there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and
different positions of making love.

Furious he called the artist in. "What the hell is
this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for, " said the
artist.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth,
I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's
last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist,
"I call it Holy cow look at all those f--king Indians."


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THE NUN

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary
surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man
regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy,
who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently
patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend
to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a
humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.'
They are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill
to my brother-in-law."


:D :D :D

[soldakez]

hahaha my stomach is now aching because of your posts! i like it, especially the TSINUPA joke got me!